I love you and accept you, but…stay away from my children.

In a previous post, I shared my belief that all too many members of the LDS Church claim to love their LGBT brothers and sisters, but often attach "but..." to that love. This conditional acceptance, while perhaps justified in the eyes of the orthodox, has consequences that are generally hurtful to gay members of the Mormon community and sometimes tragic. This series of posts deals with several of the most commonly used “but…” statements and the cost of those statements.

Earlier this year I met a man who had served as scoutmaster in his ward for most of his adult life. Like most scoutmasters, this man had a special way with boys that made them think bigger, serve better, and accomplish more. He loved his role in their lives and they loved his patience, confidence and example. He was proud of the fact that almost every member of his troop had eventually received the rank of Eagle and most had served missions and gone on to live productive, exemplary lives.

As this acquaintance moved into middle age, the burden of living a closeted life became overwhelming. He approached his bishop confidentially and told him of his attraction to men. He advised the bishop that he had never acted on these inclinations, but they remained with him just the same.

Several weeks after meeting with his bishop, my friend was released from his calling as scoutmaster “for the sake of the boys.”

Despite kind words and good intentions, a “but” statement still exists with regard to homosexuals and children and youth. There is an institutionalized belief in the myth that homosexuals are pedophiles and perverts intent on molesting young people or converting teenagers.

If this were not so, why would the 2010 Handbook of Instruction (Vol. 1) require members' records to be annotated for "homosexual activities", as well as pedophilia and incest or serious abuse of a child?

To put homosexuality on the same footing as incest or serious child abuse speaks volumes about the Church's real feelings toward its homosexual members, regardless of its pleas for compassion and its slick new websites.

Adapted from the keynote address given by Allen Miller at the 2012 Salt Lake City Circling the Wagons Conference.

I love you and accept you, but…you have to acknowledge that you’re broken and as a result, live your life the way I feel is best.

In a previous post, I shared my belief that all too many members of the LDS Church claim to love their LGBT brothers and sisters, but often attach "but..." to that love. This conditional acceptance, while perhaps justified in the eyes of the orthodox, has consequences that are generally hurtful to gay members of the Mormon community and sometimes tragic. This series of posts deals with several of the most commonly used “but…” statements and the cost of those statements.

Some time ago, I was asked to respond to a post by a well know Mormon blogger, Misty. Among other things, Misty felt tremendous sorrow and compassion for those who "suffered" from same sex attraction. Her "mother-heart" broke for the terrible burden we gay people have to bear. At the same time, she insisted that for our own good and for that of society, we should be required to comply with her orthodox view, the true laws of God.

Misty is not unlike many well meaning members of the LDS church who view homosexuals as just another group of suffering sick people in need of empathy and concern. That empathy and concern, however, only goes so far…only so far as our beliefs and behaviors comply with her traditional spiritual view.

Let me share with you my response to Misty and to others like her:

"Misty, I am truly glad that you have gay friends. I’m sure they have helped to open your eyes somewhat to our lives and challenges. It is obvious, however, that you have never ridden the emotional and spiritual roller-coaster that comes with having a homosexual person central in your life. And so I would like to offer another view and opinion.

"As a gay man, I honestly do not want compassion or special treatment. I do not want to be an object of pity. I love who I am and count my homosexuality a gift from Heavenly Father. I, like most gay Latter-day Saints whether active or not, recognize that I am a noun, not an adjective.

"And I am a man. Regardless of what some might teach, homosexuality is not an issue of gender identity. Neither I nor most of my gay male friends have the desire or interest in being anything but men.

"As men, we are entitled to be treated fairly and equally.

"You imply that you have the right to believe that homosexuality is aberrant and only heterosexuality is ordained of God.

"I, along with most of my gay and Lesbian brothers and sisters, agree. You have that right.

"But I, like you, also have the right to believe and I believe that God generously grants his grace to homosexuals and heterosexuals alike. And because of God’s grace and my divine nature, I have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, just like you.

"While I would never attempt to deprive you the rights to happiness despite our differing views and perspectives, you demand that I accept your belief as definitive. You force me under law to comply with a belief I find repugnant and contrary to moral and empirical evidence.

"Yet I do not ask you to give up your belief. I only demand that I be allowed the same respect and privilege.”

Adapted from the keynote address given by Allen Miller at the 2012 Salt Lake City Circling the Wagons Conference.

I love and accept you, but…I don’t accept your homosexual lifestyle

In a previous post, I stated my belief that all too many members of the LDS Church claim to love their LGBT brothers and sisters, but often attach "but..." to that love. This conditional acceptance, while perhaps justified in the eyes of the orthodox, has consequences that are generally hurtful to gay members of the Mormon community and sometimes tragic.

One of the most common "but..." statements is the nasty stand-by, "I love and accept you, but…I don’t accept your homosexual lifestyle."

Several years ago, a friend and I were riding public transportation to a restaurant in the western part of the Salt Lake Valley. At one of the stops, a group of teenage boys, obviously homeless, boarded the bus. As is our custom, my friend and I began a conversation with the boys—a conversation that ultimately would break our hearts.

These boys came from various parts of Salt Lake County. Each had been raised in "good" LDS homes, attending primary and Young Men’s, priesthood and seminary. One boy’s father was a stake president and another boy’s dad had been a bishop.

Why were these boys on the streets? Tragically, each had been driven from his home by parents who refused to accept that he was born with certain perspectives and desires which the parents viewed as deviant. Rather than try to understand, support, and accept these young men for the sons of God that they are, their fathers and mothers demanded conformity as a pre-requisite for granting parental love.

As a result, the boys were lost to their parents and lost to God, rejecting all that would make their lives rich, safe and joyful. Instead, these young men were lonely, angry and afraid.

What had each parent told these boys before sending them to the streets? Everyone of those homeless boys had been given some variant of this "but..." statement. "I love you, but if you remain at home you'll be a bad influence on your brothers," or "I love you and want you to stay, but you can't keep thinking you have same sex attraction," or "I love you and feel your pain, but you better not bring your gay friends into our home." Everyone of these parents bought into the idea that, "I love and accept you, but…I don’t accept your 'homosexual lifestyle'."

The underlying issue is that these parents do not or cannot accept the fact that their sons are homosexual males, no more afflicted than any of their heterosexual children. They believe that in the end, their SSA-behaving sons have a choice. What this choice actually boils down to is that they can either live lives of deceit and pretend to be straight or they must live lives of integrity outside the family circle.

The irony is that the families of these boys had all been sealed in a temple of God, united forever.

What these parents failed to remember is that "what God has joined together, let no man put asunder."

I love gay people,...but....

While Heavenly Father loves you and me without reservation, many members of our Mormon community are not so open or so tolerant. While they might say they love us and accept us, they often end their expressions of love with a three letter word that is every bit as foul as any of the four letter words that I try sometimes unsuccessfully to avoid. That three letter word is the word “but”. The typical phrase is, “I love and accept you, but…”

How many times have you heard some well meaning Mormon say something like "I love gay people, BUT I will NEVER condoned their actions." Or, "I've always made it very clear to my Lesbian friends that I love them, BUT I don't support their lifestyle."

When I was young, I learned something that has stayed with me my entire life...a little insight into English grammar. I learned that when we use "but" in a sentence, we in fact generally negate most of what we have said before the "but".

When we say "I love LGBT people" and then say "but", we are in fact saying that we really don't love "LGBT people" unless it's on our terms. The question I’d like to ask those of you who use “but” statements, do you really love LGBT people?

It's interesting that in all the words of Christ, he never made a statement that was followed by "but". He never said, "Love thy neighbor, but..." He simply said "Love thy neighbor." He never said, “Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden, but…” He just said, “Come unto me all ye…and I will give you rest.”

The problem with many today is that they insist that relationships and approval are granted on their terms with a HUGE "but" conspicuously hanging in the middle. This seems especially true when dealing with LGBT issues.

I don't think Christ or His Father would be too pleased.

The problem with “but” statements is that any reasonable person recognizes the patina of hypocrisy that drips from the statement.

What’s even more important to understand is that using “but” statements creates situations with consequences. Generally, these consequences impact people and lives, often in terrible or heartbreaking ways.

Over the next several posts, I will share a few of the most common "but" statements and the consequences that often transpire.

Adapted from the keynote address given by Allen Miller at the 2012 Salt Lake City Circling the Wagons Conference.

I cannot come out of the closet. I am afraid...

Not a week goes by without me having an opportunity to meet at least one married man who is struggling with the process of coming out. All too often these men are overwhelmed with fear, fear of the impact a public acknowledgment of their homosexuality would have on their reputations, their families, their careers, their community standing, their businesses, and nearly every aspect of their lives.

As time passes this fear often becomes a palpable, tangible thing that seems to permeate and taint even the most mundane aspects of their lives. Sometimes it becomes so debilitating that life itself loses meaning and suicide emerges as an enticing and viable alternative to the fear and self-loathing that overwhelms them.

My heart goes out to these men. I remember the fear that gripped me when I knew that living a life of deception was no longer an option. I remember clearly the terror I felt when I considered the potential impact my decision would have on my family, my friends, reputation, position,and business.

But now, three years later, I have a different perspective. I see that most of my fears were unfounded, and that whatever price I had to pay (and there was a price) was offset many times over by the joy I have found in the result.

It is easy for us as closeted gay men to succumb to our fears and live lives of misery and shame. Too many of us remain in the closet for just that reason. Actually, the costs of a closeted life to ourselves and our families are incalculable. As John Greenleaf Whittier wrote, "“For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, 'It might have been'.”

Rather than remain immersed in fear and despair, I believe we must face forward with courage and take control of our destinies, of what we are and who we will ultimately be. I've found that in nearly every situation in my life in which I have let fear govern my behavior, I have regretted it, particularly the fear of coming out. On the other hand, when I have left fear behind and stepped off the precipice with faith that somehow I would learn to fly, I have found my wings.

I believe that as gay men, "God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." (2 Timothy 1:7). My own experience is that "I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears" (Psalm 34:4).

Bottom line, brethren, we can choose to live our lives paralyzed by fear and deception or we can live our lives in truth and liberty. As Christ said to all of us, "...the truth shall make you free."

For those of you who fear, I would encourage you at your own speed to step into the light and leave the darkness of doubt behind you. Despite the cost, I promise you will find joy as a result.

The Mormon myth: repent and you won't be gay!

A woman just discovered her husband had been viewing gay pornography (see post here).

In response to her request for advice, Jared91 left the following comment: "I just did a search of this post and comments. I noted the word 'repent' doesn't appear."

 In response to Jared's post, I left the following:

Jared, it is your calloused and insensitive call to repentance that ultimately drives gay people and their families from the Church. As a former bishop and gay man, I can assure you that Sarah’s husband has spent his life trying to repent of feelings he can’t control and behaviors he has adopted to try and mitigate those feelings. To date repentance as you allude to has only left him feeling broken and rejected. As a result, lectures on the power of the atonement and repentance come across as self-righteous and downright ignorant. They don’t help Sarah’s husband deal with the process of understanding or managing what is actually an integral yet darkly secret part of who he is.

 Most of us gay men readily recognize that we are different from our earliest years. We finally put a name to this difference when we reach puberty or early manhood. As Latter-day Saints, we have been taught that these feelings are perverse and unholy. As a result, the feelings are denied or repressed and we become angry and overwhelmed with a sense of guilt and unworthiness.

It isn't until we recognize that homosexual feelings are acceptable and good, that God created us as we are, and that he loves us not despite of who we are, but because of who we are, that real peace and self-acceptance begin to emerge.

The great myth that people like Jared propagate is that homosexuality is only about “carnal, sensual and devilish natures.” This myth destroys lives and drives people from God. The reality is that homosexuality is no more evil than heterosexuality and is no more unnatural.

If Sarah’s husband has anything to repent of, it is that he has failed to be honest with himself and has to this point forced himself to live a life that has left him increasingly unhappy.

Men are that they might have joy. When the Lord spoke those words through his prophet, he didn’t restrict joy to just straight people. He wants his gay sons and daughters to experience joy as well.

As Sarah’s husband faces the truth and has the courage to accept that truth, he will begin to heal, regardless of what path he eventually decides to take. The fact is, I have never met a man who once came out of the closet, wished he could go back in. Men who are out feel a sense of integrity and congruency that they miss and yearn for during their closeted lives.

When Sarah’s husband feels free to be who he truly is, he will finally feel the joy of Christ. As the Lord himself taught, it is truth that will ultimately make him free.

I am entitled to fairness and equality

An interesting post from Misty may be found here:

Homosexuality and Compassionate Compromise

My response:

Thank you, Misty, for addressing the issue of homosexuality. It takes courage to venture into a topic that most people prefer to ignore. It is my belief that discussion and the light that proceeds from it will one day eradicate the stigma and bigotry endured by gay and Lesbian people, especially in the LDS Church.

I am truly glad that you have gay friends. I’m sure they have helped to open your eyes somewhat to our lives and challenges. It is obvious, however, that you have never ridden the emotional and spiritual roller-coaster that comes with having a homosexual person central in your life. And so I would like to offer another view and opinion.

While I wish I had the time and space to discuss your post in depth, there are two key points I would like to address.

First, as a gay man, I honestly do not want compassion or special treatment. I do not want to be an object of pity. I love who I am and count my homosexuality a gift from Heavenly Father. I, like most gay Latter-day Saints whether active or not, recognize that I am a noun, not an adjective.

And I am a man. Regardless of what some might teach, neither I nor most of my gay male friends have the desire or interest in being anything but men.

As men, we are entitled to be treated fairly and equally.

You imply that you have the right to believe that homosexuality is aberrant and only heterosexuality is ordained of God.

I, along with most of my gay and Lesbian brothers and sisters, agree. You have that right.

But I, like you, also have the right to believe and I believe that God generously grants his grace to homosexuals and heterosexuals alike. And because of God’s grace and my divine nature, I have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, just like you. 

While I would never attempt to deprive you the rights to happiness despite our differing views and perspectives, you demand that I accept your belief as definitive. You force me under law to comply with a belief I find repugnant and contrary to moral and empirical evidence.

Yet I do not ask you to give up your belief. I only demand that I be allowed the same respect and privilege.

Second point, your comments regarding homosexual sex are misleading at best and utterly fail to deal with the core issues cited in the study. As a result, you do a great disservice to truth and understanding.

The truth is that homosexual sex is no more risky than heterosexual sex. Promiscuity, not sex, leads to disease.

If, as a homosexual man, I live in a committed monogamous relationship (like...marriage) my odds of contracting HIV, gonorrhea, syphilis, or any other STI are no greater than  yours...nearly zero. My life expectancy, when involved in a committed monogamous relationship is no different from that of heterosexual men.

The real problem is that the Latter-day Saint community forces gays and Lesbians to choose between celibacy, a state that every missionary teaches to be unnatural and unhealthy, a state that even the Endowment condemns ("It is not good for man to be alone.") and promiscuity.

How much more reasonable and effective to recognize and promote the core principle of chastity and fidelity rather than to leave homosexuals with the impossible choice of a life of loneliness and isolation or unnatural celibacy.

My greatest sadness is that when nearly all homosexual Latter-day Saints recognize and accept who they are, they reject not only the church, but religion in general. And why do they reject the church and God? It is not because of an uncontrolled sexual appetite. It is because the church’s truth forces them to believe what they know from experience is not true and gives them no alternative on which to nurture faith.

Again, I appreciate the opportunity to provide another view, an alternate opinion. I hope that with meditation and prayer you will come through the Spirit to grasp the real complexity of this issue and understand that the traditional member view of black and white neither furthers truth nor pleases God.

While my response above addressed two factual issues in Misty's post, there is a much larger issue that I need to tackle at some point. That issue involves the power for one party to rob another party of its civil rights and justify the act under the guise of religious freedom. While civility and compassion are good and noble ideals, there comes a time when tyranny must be confronted and exorcised from society.  At those times civility and compassion may be required to take a back seat to truth.