The gay-pedophile connection and the Church

With the final sentencing of Jerry Sandusky, the former Penn State football coach and convicted pedophile, a terrible chapter in American sports comes to a close. While the damage Sandusky wreaked on the lives of innocents is immeasurable, America’s gay community has also suffered at his hands. (See Jerry Sandusky Cover-Up: How the 'Gay Factor' May Have Played a Role.)

Jerry Sandusky’s despicable behavior has again reinforced the ugly myth that gay men are pedophiles, a myth that particularly impacts those of us who are gay and Mormon.

To "protect" the membership of the church, the 2010 Handbook of Instruction (Vol. 1) requires members' records to be annotated for "repeated homosexual activities", as well as pedophilia, polygamy, and incest or serious abuse of a child. This annotation can only be removed by the First Presidency after a recommendation to do so by the individual's stake president.

The effect is that an individual with an annotation will not generally be called to work with children or youth.

The implication is that individuals who engage in "repeated homosexual activities" are in fact believed by the Church to be predators (along with pedophiles and polygamists), who, because of their unholy compulsion, attempt to convert young people to a homosexual lifestyle or use children or young people to indulge their carnal desires.

This implication honestly sickens me.

The great fable that all too often impacts our relationship with members of the LDS community is this unspoken, but generally accepted belief that gay men can entice impressionable boys into homosexuality and that gay men are by nature pedophiles. This lie is so insidious that it even creeps into ally conversation and is given undeserved credence by individuals who should know better.

Let me say this clearly and unequivocally: There is no evidence that homosexual men are more inclined to pedophilia than the general population. (See this link.)

Dr. A. Nicholas Groth, a leading researcher in the field, wrote: "Are homosexual adults in general sexually attracted to children and are preadolescent children at greater risk of molestation from homosexual adults than from heterosexual adults? There is no reason to believe so. The research to date all points to there being no significant relationship between a homosexual lifestyle and child molestation."

Dr. Nathaniel McConaghy similarly cautioned against confusing homosexuality with pedophilia. He noted, "The man who offends against prepubertal or immediately postpubertal boys is typically not sexually interested in older men or in women."

As long as the Church perpetuates myths and stereotypes that fail to reflect the truth about our community, members of the Church will continue to fear us and treat us as outcasts. 

It's time for the Church to wake up to the implications of its policies and make changes where changes are required.

Circling the Wagons: Seeking Authenticity and Understanding

It's once again Circling the Wagons Conference time...another opportunity to congregate with fellow LGBT Mormons and our allies to encourage dialogue and understanding about what is probably the most misunderstood issue facing members of the Church...how we gay people fit within the greater Mormon community, if we fit at all.

The theme of this year's conference is "Seeking authenticity and understanding". I can't think of a better conference objective.

Several weeks ago, I was involved in a conversation with an active Latter-day Saint about homosexuality. After five frustrating minutes it became clear that real dialogue was not going to take place. Why? Because she insisted that if we were going to continue our discussion, I had to use "gay" only as an adjective, I had to recognize that the final authority on homosexuality is the scripture as interpreted by the Brethren, and that I had to admit that homosexuality was a life style rather than a matter of nature.

This good member of the Church was well-meaning, I'm sure, but she was open minded only to the extent that my feelings and beliefs fit nicely within her own preconceived paradigm. While she repeated her mantra of support and fellowship over and over as she declared her desire to "truly understand", what became clear was her intention to convince me to accept her version of truth and return to orthodoxy after my wayward travels in sin.

As we were about to go our separate ways, she condoled with me about "[my] terrible situation," then said as tears rolled down her cheek, "I empathize with the awful burden you carry and I pray every day that the Lord will lighten your load."

There was real shock on her face when I declared gently, yet emphatically, "While I'm grateful for your concern, I am really in no need of those prayers. I am the way God made me and as a result have never felt happier in my life." As I said those words, I was overcome with a sense of peace and confidence that originates only with the Spirit.

That experience reinforced my knowledge that the Lord understands and accepts.

I was sitting with a group of friends last night, all of whom were connected with Mormonism in one way or another. We had come out about the same time. We had all been married. Despite the fact that we were each facing challenges or obstacles of one sort or another, we had never been happier.

Why? Because we are living lives of truth and integrity. We all could look in the mirror each morning and feel the joy that comes with knowing we are finally being true to ourselves and the world.

When I left the closet behind, I became authentic, real, in a way I never was when I lived in the false world my family, the Church and I had created to sustain a lie.

What this well-meaning woman fails to grasp, let alone understand, is that my "awful burden" disappeared when I came out, that my "load" evaporated when I recognized I was whole, and that I felt God's arms surround me when I realized that I was loved by him because I am a gay man, not despite of that fact.

I now live an authentic life. I am truly happy. At its most basic, I understand that being gay is not a challenge, a trial or a burden, but a gift from God that brings me joy.

Members of the Church need to understand that the real burden of homosexuality is the one they place on us gay people, the stigma of being different. Once they as a people recognize that this difference is our strength and God's gift, that burden will finally disappear.

Please plan to attend the Circling the Wagons Conference, November 2-4, in Salt Lake City. My dear friend, Invictus Pilgrim, and I will be delivering the keynote addresses during Saturday's opening session. For more information and to register for the event, go to http://circlingthewagons.org.

The joy of (gay) dating...follow-up....

Maurice sent me the following reply to the email I sent him yesterday (see yesterday's blog post). I'm sharing because so many of you wanted to know the rest of the story....

Clive,

I really appreciate your message and what you had to say, wise one! No wonder you were a Bishop! Your approach to finding a partner sounds logical to me.

Yes, let's do get together and get to know each other better! So far, I'm having a pretty busy weekend coming up and the following weekend I'm going to Bryce/Zions with some friends. Maybe an evening after work this coming week we could go for a walk and or a bite to eat? I will try to call you this weekend.

Maurice

The joy of (gay) dating...

Email from a guy I went out with last month:

Hi Clive. Hope you enjoyed the men's choir concert last Sunday! Sorry I really couldn't talk at the time I saw you. I was actually on a first date with a guy I met online. I don't think we will be dating more as he tends to like younger guys!

I've heard that you prefer to date younger guys too... I must be honest and admit this is one of the reasons I haven't gotten back to you. My preference is also for hairy guys and you just aren't all that hairy! For whatever reason, that is a big turn on for me!

I wasn't sure of what you were asking me as we were leaving the concert... was it whether I wanted to get together with you again? I'm sure that we would make good friends even if we don't make it as lovers... let me know what you think!

Maurice

My response:

Hey, Maurice, it was great seeing you on Saturday. I missed having a chance to chat. Thanks for the email and your candor.

I couldn't help but chuckle as I read it. Okay, I admit that I date younger guys and have become infatuated with a few, but when it comes to finding a partner...I usually date guys our age. That in fact is why I wanted to go out with you.

Remember, I've only been out of the closet for two years and admittedly find it hard to resist a hunk of young manflesh when it's presented (I think it's the gay adolescent in me). Although I might enjoy being with the young guy for a while, I inevitably come to my senses and realize he's not right for the long haul. These twenty-somethings are generally not permanent partner material.

My approach to finding a partner is a little different and maybe a bit more complicated. I figure I will ultimately marry someone who I've come to know and love first as a friend, and then as a bedmate.

This means I try to meet as many guys as I can and make as many friends as possible with the belief that eventually I'll fall in love not necessarily with the guy who is the hottest or sexiest or who has the hardest abs, but with the man with whom I'm most compatible. My hope is that he will fall in love with me, too, despite my physical shortcomings.

Let me illustrate with a story a buddy shared with me a week ago. He had been communicating with a guy for months on the internet. Last summer the guy came to visit for some weeks. When my friend first saw the guy in the airport his reaction was, "This guy is definitely not my type. What am I going to do with him for a day let alone weeks?" My friend persevered despite what he described as his initial lack of physical attraction. To make a long story a little shorter, by the time my friend's guest left 6 weeks later, they were both madly in love and anxious to make their relationship permanent.

As of yet, I haven't had a "love at first sight" experience and I doubt I ever will. Instead, I thrive on making friends with guys and believe that eventually one of them will be the person with whom I will share my life. I'm open-minded and confident that will happen. I'm also confident that this man with whom I connect will overlook my shortcomings and incompatibilities in exchange for a deeper appreciation of my heart and character—as I will his.

So, Maurice, am I asking you to be my lover? No. I am suggesting that we might become friends and then let the cards fall where they may. Let's go to a movie, a concert, a hike or something else sometime soon and begin to get to know one another better.

The prospect of becoming "just friends" is actually exciting.

Marriage equality and the Gospel

Since my earlier post, several people have asked about my position regarding "gay marriage." A few have expressed concern that I might be standing in opposition to the Brethren. Let me answer their questions directly.

Do I support marriage equality? Without question. Do I believe the Church will eventually accept marriage equality at some level? Without question. 

Candidly, the Church's position on marriage equality is evolving and will continue to evolve. (Note the posts from partnered or civilly married LGBT people who are active Church members, even holding callings in their wards.) 

Individuals who assume that the Gospel is a static doctrine and believe the current antipathy toward same sex unions is sealed in granite fail to understand the Gospel's core strength...continuing revelation. This allows belief and principle to evolve to meet the demands of an ever changing society. Just as Joseph Smith would find the modern church unrecognizable, our progeny will worship and believe in a manner that best conveys central truths of the Restoration within the context of their time and culture. 

The Brethren have been clear regarding the status of The Proclamation on the Family. It is not scripture. President Packer's assertion that it is was quickly repudiated publicly by President Uchdorf and President Packer's conference talk revised to reflect that fact. 

Moreover, the Restoration provides for an afterlife devoid of hell for all but those who commit blasphemy against the Holy Ghost and an assurance of joy for all of God's children. That assurance includes even his homosexual sons and daughters. 

When I was a missionary, President Hinckley, then a member of The Twelve, taught a small group of us that our ability to receive truth through revelation is filtered by our culture, our experience and our prejudice. When asked if that included all people even the Brethren, his response was, "Elder, you understand the principle."

Gay people have been feared and vilified in our culture for centuries. I find it hard to believe that this general lack of understanding has not impeded the Church's search for truth on this issue. As our lives and experience are better understood and accepted for what it is, truth regarding homosexuality will flow to the Brethren and to the Church, unrestrained, and we will see change.


This is my 100th post.  I can't believe it! I love and appreciate all of you, my readers. Thanks especially to those who are willing to take the time to provide encouragement and feedback. It's you that keep me writing.

I am entitled to fairness and equality

An interesting post from Misty may be found here:

Homosexuality and Compassionate Compromise

My response:

Thank you, Misty, for addressing the issue of homosexuality. It takes courage to venture into a topic that most people prefer to ignore. It is my belief that discussion and the light that proceeds from it will one day eradicate the stigma and bigotry endured by gay and Lesbian people, especially in the LDS Church.

I am truly glad that you have gay friends. I’m sure they have helped to open your eyes somewhat to our lives and challenges. It is obvious, however, that you have never ridden the emotional and spiritual roller-coaster that comes with having a homosexual person central in your life. And so I would like to offer another view and opinion.

While I wish I had the time and space to discuss your post in depth, there are two key points I would like to address.

First, as a gay man, I honestly do not want compassion or special treatment. I do not want to be an object of pity. I love who I am and count my homosexuality a gift from Heavenly Father. I, like most gay Latter-day Saints whether active or not, recognize that I am a noun, not an adjective.

And I am a man. Regardless of what some might teach, neither I nor most of my gay male friends have the desire or interest in being anything but men.

As men, we are entitled to be treated fairly and equally.

You imply that you have the right to believe that homosexuality is aberrant and only heterosexuality is ordained of God.

I, along with most of my gay and Lesbian brothers and sisters, agree. You have that right.

But I, like you, also have the right to believe and I believe that God generously grants his grace to homosexuals and heterosexuals alike. And because of God’s grace and my divine nature, I have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, just like you. 

While I would never attempt to deprive you the rights to happiness despite our differing views and perspectives, you demand that I accept your belief as definitive. You force me under law to comply with a belief I find repugnant and contrary to moral and empirical evidence.

Yet I do not ask you to give up your belief. I only demand that I be allowed the same respect and privilege.

Second point, your comments regarding homosexual sex are misleading at best and utterly fail to deal with the core issues cited in the study. As a result, you do a great disservice to truth and understanding.

The truth is that homosexual sex is no more risky than heterosexual sex. Promiscuity, not sex, leads to disease.

If, as a homosexual man, I live in a committed monogamous relationship (like...marriage) my odds of contracting HIV, gonorrhea, syphilis, or any other STI are no greater than  yours...nearly zero. My life expectancy, when involved in a committed monogamous relationship is no different from that of heterosexual men.

The real problem is that the Latter-day Saint community forces gays and Lesbians to choose between celibacy, a state that every missionary teaches to be unnatural and unhealthy, a state that even the Endowment condemns ("It is not good for man to be alone.") and promiscuity.

How much more reasonable and effective to recognize and promote the core principle of chastity and fidelity rather than to leave homosexuals with the impossible choice of a life of loneliness and isolation or unnatural celibacy.

My greatest sadness is that when nearly all homosexual Latter-day Saints recognize and accept who they are, they reject not only the church, but religion in general. And why do they reject the church and God? It is not because of an uncontrolled sexual appetite. It is because the church’s truth forces them to believe what they know from experience is not true and gives them no alternative on which to nurture faith.

Again, I appreciate the opportunity to provide another view, an alternate opinion. I hope that with meditation and prayer you will come through the Spirit to grasp the real complexity of this issue and understand that the traditional member view of black and white neither furthers truth nor pleases God.

While my response above addressed two factual issues in Misty's post, there is a much larger issue that I need to tackle at some point. That issue involves the power for one party to rob another party of its civil rights and justify the act under the guise of religious freedom. While civility and compassion are good and noble ideals, there comes a time when tyranny must be confronted and exorcised from society.  At those times civility and compassion may be required to take a back seat to truth.

We must not surrender our agency

Recently a friend of mine received counsel from a bishop that he later found to be dead wrong. He wondered how it could be that a man called as God's representative could provide such mistaken advice. 

I suggested the following.

As a former bishop, I believe that the Lord has called bishops to provide administrative guidance to the ward, not direct revelation as to how specific ward members should lead their individual lives. We have all been given agency and the Light of Christ (if not the Gift of the Holy Ghost) to act for ourselves. Bishops while typically wise, are much less capable of knowing what the Lord wants of us than we are.  While the Lord may provide ecclesiastical leaders general direction and guidance on issues related to their stewardship, most of their direction comes from their own life experience and perspective, values and prejudice, not the Lord. 

I find it interesting that in a church and cultural community that places such a premium on self-reliance, members are so willing to relinquish their agency to another person, the home teacher, the bishop, the stake president, or even the president of the church. 

This is just not right.

The scriptures are clear on this issue. 

When providing direction on discovering the truth of the Book or Mormon, Moroni suggests that we ponder in our hearts and then ask God with real intent, having faith in Christ. Moroni states that God will "manifest the truth of it...by the power of the Holy Ghost."

Moroni then provides a universal key. He writes, "And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things." This is a clear and unequivocal statement that through the Holy Ghost the Lord will guide each of us individually to the truth of all things pertaining to our lives and personal stewardship. 

Note that Moroni does not suggest seeking guidance from others in this process of finding truth, not a home teacher, bishop, stake president, or even president of the church. According to Moroni, finding truth is a personal process between oneself and the Lord.

It is important to remember that agency is so central to the Lord's plan that he was willing to lose one third of his family over this singular principle. Would he be pleased that we readily surrender our agency to anyone, particularly a church leader? I think not. 

I believe it is incumbent on each of us to pray about issues that impact our lives and follow the inspiration we receive individually. In the end I believe we are going to be held accountable for following our own consciences rather than the opinions of others regardless of how well meaning those individuals might be. 

If, in the course of doing what we as God's children believe to be right, we fall short, the Lord's infinite and universal atonement will cover our error.