Inclusion or exclusion...what's a gay guy to do?

Last Saturday night, I was enjoying myself at Jam with a group of friends. (Jam for you out-of-towners is perhaps Salt Lake City’s finest gay dance club. It’s definitely a cool venue.) By midnight the building was packed and a long line of fairies and fags was waiting to enter. (Fire regulations limit the number of people the club can admit at any given time.)

As I was leaving, I passed an acquaintance who was standing near the end of the line. He wanted to talk and so I stopped to chat and was somewhat taken aback by the content and tone of his comments.

“It’s ridiculous,” he complained, “that I have to stand in the cold to get into a gay club. And why do I have to stand in line? Because of all the straight people who think it’s cool to dance with gay guys. I ask you, Clive, can’t we have someplace that’s just for us?”

I know my friend was tired and a little uncomfortable. He was probably blowing off steam. But, he made me think.

Because we have been victims of exclusion for most of our lives, we fairy folk generally find inclusion a driving force. We have a difficult time fencing people out, setting boundaries.

On the other hand, is it unfair to ask, “Can’t we have someplace that’s just for us?”

Counsel from an Anglican bishop...

This evening I had the pleasure of meeting and chatting with a hero of mine, Bishop Gene Robinson, the first out gay man ordained a bishop in the Anglican (Episcopal) Community. Bishop Robinson was in town attending Sundance where a movie about his life has been screened. He was visiting a mutual friend in the Avenues and I was lucky enough to be invited to meet him.

Bishop Robinson is a wonderful man, down to earth, gregarious, and fascinating, yet gentle, kind, and Christ-like in demeanor. He spoke assuredly about the progress LGBT people have made and optimistically about our future—particularly our future as men of faith.

As we discussed the current attitude and perspective of the leaders of the LDS Church, Bishop Robinson was pleased to hear of my continued connection with the LDS Church and my assurance that in time the Church would come to accept gay and lesbian members in full fellowship. He then told me something that touched me and gave me pause.

He said, “I’m glad you are remaining with the Church, because it is from within that you can most ably be an influence for real progress. When people sever ties, either forcibly or voluntarily, their power to move our work forward diminishes. If you want change to occur, stay. Stay as long as you can, as difficult as it might be, but stay.”

To be honest, Bishop Robinson’s counsel gives me much to think about, much to pray about…

On the death of my friend's partner...

I have a friend who lost her partner last week.

She and her partner lived together, laughed together, worked together, ate together, drank together, celebrated together, sorrowed together, planned together, volunteered together, traveled together, served together, played together, and made love together.

Together they found joy.

But now my friend is alone. Grieving.

God said, "It is not good for man[kind] to be alone."

My bishop told me that if I want to remain a Saint in good standing, I must live alone, laugh alone, work alone, eat alone, drink alone, celebrate alone, sorrow alone, plan alone, volunteer alone, travel alone, serve alone, play alone. And at night I must remain alone....

God said, “Men are that they might have joy.”

Is it possible for men to find joy, alone? Perhaps...

But even God has a companion.

To blog or not to blog...that is the question

It’s been a long time since my last post…primarily because I thought that I’d really said all that I needed to say about being a gay Mormon man, that I felt I’d moved to a point in my life where I wanted to keep my private life private, that I in fact wanted to talk about things in my blog that I really didn’t want to talk about with just anybody….

For whatever reason... I lost interest….

Like so many of my closest friends who because of their intellect and talent enjoyed fifteen minutes of fame through their prolific and insightful posts, I woke up one day and decided that my blogging (which was much less intellectually based or insightful than that of my friends) wasn’t filling the personal need it once did.

I decided to move on…and so I thought I had moved on…for good.

But then today I woke at my mother’s house with a thousand things to say. I wanted to talk about faith, work, life, death, friendship,  loneliness, intimacy, peace, endorphins, children, former spouses, mothers, fathers, Mormons, Catholics and Episcopalians, roommates, politics, drugs and alcohol, gay marriage, gay culture and gay prejudice, MOMs, the closet, swimming, reading, the Internet, dating, my dog, sex, anger, peace, partying, aging, music, kindness, meanness, selfishness, selflessness, and most of all…love.

But, my friends, as you will all appreciate; desire does not always translate into results…

Perhaps I will re-engage. Maybe I’ll begin to again share. Maybe I’ll reach out and successfully find a way to grapple with my life’s truth and its new found form in a way that readers might find somewhat interesting, occasionally entertaining, and possibly helpful…

Or maybe I won’t…

Only time will tell.

The joy of human love extends to all--even gays and lesbians

The Thanksgiving editorial in yesterday’s Deseret News spoke of the joy of human love. As I read the article, I couldn’t help but think with conviction that this joy extends to all—even to God’s children who may love those of their own gender.

My heart breaks for gay and lesbians who have been rejected by parents and siblings and as a result are unwelcome at family Thanksgiving tables. This tragedy is particularly prolific on the Wasatch Front where so many claim to be Christian, but through their behavior if not their words reject the central message of Christ’s message to love their neighbors as themselves. (And yes, their children are their neighbors.)

I can’t help but remember with hope the words of President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "Because love is the great commandment, it ought to be at the center of all and everything we do in our own family, in our Church callings, and in our livelihood. Love is the healing balm that repairs rifts in personal and family relationships. It is the bond that unites families, communities, and nations. Love is the power that initiates friendship, tolerance, civility, and respect. It is the source that overcomes divisiveness and hate. Love is the fire that warms our lives with unparalleled joy and divine hope. Love should be our walk and our talk."

I have faith and believe that one day soon, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and its members will grasp the significance of these words and understand that love will ultimately triumph. In the end, families will understand that real love creates the tolerance, civility and respect that will reunite families and build Zion for all of Heavenly Father’s children, not just his heterosexual sons and daughters.

Alan Osmond's assertions undermine the Church

While surfing the Internet this morning, I ran across a blog post by Alan Osmond of the famous LDS Osmond family reassuring parents everywhere that, “families and friends can reach out to those with homosexual difficulties [see http://thefamily.com/?p=13483].”

And how can they reach out? First, by understanding that “homosexuality is not innate and unchangeable” and that “researchers whose studies have been used to support a biological model for homosexuality have determined that their work has been MISINTERPRETED [Osmond’s capitalization. Not mine.] What is clear is that homosexuality results from an interaction of social, biological, and psychological factors. These factors may include temperament, personality traits, sexual abuse, familial factors, and treatment by one’s peers [My italics. Not his.].”

Osmond then goes on to assert that “like most methods in psychiatry and psychotherapy, the treatment of homosexuality has evolved out of eighty years of clinical experience, demonstrating approximately the same degree of success as, for example, the psychotherapy of depression.” He then claims that “other researchers note treatment success rates that exceed 50 percent, which is similar to the success rates for treating other difficulties. “

You might be a great singer and dancer, Alan, but an expert on human sexuality you are not. 

Will some parents ever learn...

A friend's mother has been sending him regular emails expressing her disappointment that he has chosen to "practice a gay lifestyle." Her emails, long on repentance and short on love, are beginning to weigh him down emotionally and spiritually. I asked my friend if I might write his mother a letter. What follows is my email to his mother and her quick response.... 

Dear Sister Jones:

Although we haven’t yet met, it seems as though I know you already. Bill speaks often of you and about his love and admiration for you. He is a fortunate young man to have such a mother and much of the good person he has become obviously results from your strong and caring guidance.

While I served as a bishop of a university ward a few years ago, I had nearly two dozen gay men out of 200 students in my ward. I came to love and respect each of them. They all were coping with their individual situations in different ways, but they were each doing his best to come to terms with what is to most an irreconcilable choice—to be true to oneself or to be true to the teachings of the Church.