Not a week goes by without me having an opportunity to meet at least one married man who is struggling with the process of coming out. All too often these men are overwhelmed with fear, fear of the impact a public acknowledgment of their homosexuality would have on their reputations, their families, their careers, their community standing, their businesses, and nearly every aspect of their lives.
As time passes this fear often becomes a palpable, tangible thing that seems to permeate and taint even the most mundane aspects of their lives. Sometimes it becomes so debilitating that life itself loses meaning and suicide emerges as an enticing and viable alternative to the fear and self-loathing that overwhelms them.
My heart goes out to these men. I remember the fear that gripped me when I knew that living a life of deception was no longer an option. I remember clearly the terror I felt when I considered the potential impact my decision would have on my family, my friends, reputation, position,and business.
But now, three years later, I have a different perspective. I see that most of my fears were unfounded, and that whatever price I had to pay (and there was a price) was offset many times over by the joy I have found in the result.
It is easy for us as closeted gay men to succumb to our fears and live lives of misery and shame. Too many of us remain in the closet for just that reason. Actually, the costs of a closeted life to ourselves and our families are incalculable. As John Greenleaf Whittier wrote, "“For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, 'It might have been'.”
Rather than remain immersed in fear and despair, I believe we must face forward with courage and take control of our destinies, of what we are and who we will ultimately be. I've found that in nearly every situation in my life in which I have let fear govern my behavior, I have regretted it, particularly the fear of coming out. On the other hand, when I have left fear behind and stepped off the precipice with faith that somehow I would learn to fly, I have found my wings.
I believe that as gay men, "God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." (2 Timothy 1:7). My own experience is that "I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears" (Psalm 34:4).
Bottom line, brethren, we can choose to live our lives paralyzed by fear and deception or we can live our lives in truth and liberty. As Christ said to all of us, "...the truth shall make you free."
For those of you who fear, I would encourage you at your own speed to step into the light and leave the darkness of doubt behind you. Despite the cost, I promise you will find joy as a result.
I have struggled for the past few months with the question of "will it be worth the price I'm paying?". I came out to my wife 18 months ago...stopped going to church (LDS)in the summer and moved to my own place in August. While I continue to struggle with my feelings, I'm finding that blogs like this are comforting. I used to scour the internet for blogs that would confirm I could somehow change my sexual preference and save my marriage. I felt that My Heavenly Father owed me for being faithful...for trying to change...for being true to my wife...for serving faithfully as the EQ President and in the Bishopric. I think the beginning of the end was when President Packer made the statement in a conference talk that a Loving Heavenly Father would never make someone gay. I was in such a depression after that that I think that did more damage to my marriage than actually letting my wife know I was gay. I began to shut down. I didn't give my wife an opportunity to help me through this. She noticed...she just didn't understand the logistics of why I was suffering. She says now, after I have come out to her, that it all makes perfect sense. She understands why I was the way I was. She just wishes I had let her in to try and help me. After seeing an LDS therapist together lead to even more turmoil (he was convinced I had been molested) we both started seeing individual therapists. Through much therapy and vacillation we decided to tell our children that we would be separating. We first told our parents (who were and continue to be incredibly loving and supportive to both of us) and then the next day we told our children. I remember that day as the worst day in not only my life, but surely the history of the world. At least the history of my children's world. For 5 minutes they cried and hugged me and my wife. There were at least 100 times I wanted to tell them that I had changed my mind and of course I wouldn't be moving out but something stopped me every time. I knew they would be okay. I knew that my wife and I could be just as good as parents who were living together could be. 15 minutes later they started asking if they could have a dog at my place because they weren't allowed to have a dog at home. The worst day in the world...but looking back I realize it was also the first day of allowing ourselves to believe there might possibly be a way to heal. I'm rambling now...but I do have a point...I was so afraid of what was going to happen in each of these situations that I wasted a lot of time, energy (and probably lost a fair amount of hair) anticipating the worst. I'm still afraid it will not be worth the price that's being paid. But I feel that fear diminishing...even if just an almost unnoticeable amount. It's still hard to wake up in my own place...it's still unfamiliar and too quiet. But I have to remind myself that I am at the beginning, and any change is hard at the beginning.
ReplyDeleteTJ, thanks for sharing your inspiring story. Let me emphasize that it does get better and you will feel better about things as time goes on. All the best to you, my friend.
DeleteThis post is very much directed at me and others in my situation. It does give me hope, but the pull from both sides of the argument is so strong. I don't want to live the rest of my life with regret and shame, but it also feels so selfish to consider ending my marriage and putting my kids through a divorce just so I can be free to be the gay man that I am. I really don't want to be responsible for the multitude of problems that can stem from having divorced parents. That's the price I would pay and the root of my fears surrounding coming out.
ReplyDeleteDerek, have confidence that you'll do the right thing. If you follow your heart, it will turn out okay. Some of the best kids I know are from MOMs where divorce occurred. The important thing is that your kids know that you love them, will always love them, and will continue to make them central in your life. My own children recognized the happiness and peace I experienced through divorce and have found strength in that. All the best, Derek, as you find your way.
DeleteI can relate very well with this post too! I also know that "pull" from both sides. Some days I think I'm over the fear, then I get practical and think about my career and reputation in my business spanning a couple of decades. I think about how I would never recover financially at my age; especially in the very conservation LDS controlled community and business that I am in. I envy the generation of 20somethings starting out now in a safer, more educated environment.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I experienced the same fear. I was a successful businessman, well known in a conservative LDS community, with a reputation as a good man with an amazing family. Although there was some loss of business when I first came out, the long term impact was negligible and now it isn't even an issue. Things work out, my friend.
DeleteThanks for this. Personally, I always seem to need this encouragement.
ReplyDeleteClive, in some areas, employers (LDS church) fire people or "blacklist" them or stop referring contracts their way once someone is "outted". I know I'm not alone here in Utah County but I am very lonely in the closet/prison that the LDS culture locks us in.
ReplyDeleteSame Anonymous. ;)
Clive, thank you for this post encouraging openness and honesty in all our relationships. I agree that increased joy and the fulfillment of one's mission are much more likely to occur outside of the closet... this has been my experience too. But the course a married gay man takes upon exiting the closet does not necessarily include separation and divorce from a mixed orientation marriage.
ReplyDeleteNot only must we limit fear from driving our life decisions, we should rely on love to motivate our actions as well. I know that you loved your ex-wife and made your decision together, which was right for you. I remain married as an 'out' gay man to my family and close friends. I choose to stay in my marriage because after considering all my options, I want to 'bloom where I am planted.' I am married to a wonderful woman who is comfortable with my being out and who supports me as a gay man. We have a comfortable partnership, devoted to our family and one another, and that is the best solution for us.
I acknowledge that separation and divorce is perhaps the most common result of 'coming out' for a Mixed Orientation Marriage, but it need not be the only result. I don't pretend to be a role model of what people 'should' do in mid-life decisions, only that it is one of many options. The key is that a marriage depends on two people, both willing and committed to fully support one another with honesty and kindness.
Great comment, GeckoMan. I couldn't agree with you more. Thanks for taking the time to post.
DeleteMaybe it's just my fear talking, but it just sounds too good to be true. It simply isn't that easy to break the ties of three decades of marriage and go. And it simply isn't that easy to leave the church behind and go. And it simply isn't always going to be better... Is it?
ReplyDeleteBeck, thanks for your comment.
DeleteI can't speak in universals, but based on my experience and the experience of others I know who, like me, came out later in life, leaving the closet, divorcing and living congruently has felt much like a rebirth, a fresh start, a resurrection. Although not without challenges and some emotional struggles, the last three years have been among the best of my life.
While many men have a more difficult transition than I have had, the bottom line is that I have yet to meet a man who once out would choose to go back in the closet and re-assume his DL lifestyle. There is something about being free that seems to trump every other challenge or obstacle we face in making the transition. That in the end makes it all worth it.