It's difficult for me to write about private things in a public forum--to bring what others might judge to be secrets and skeletons into the light of day. I rationalize not writing by saying I have nothing to say or that I need to provide the proper context or that I should start at the beginning or whatever excuse feels good at the moment.
But today is different. Today I realize that I am going through an experience that for me is unique--that will reset the course of my life and potentially the lives of those I hold most dear. Documenting that experience is critical. It will serve as a witness, for good or ill, that I chose to be an active partisan in the battle of life and not just a casual bystander. In the end, when my mind wanders and my memory is weak, this blog will be evidence that I through my choices, made a difference.
And the best place to begin? Today.
And what is significant about today?
Today I finally acknowledge that I have too many balls in the air to manage by myself. My life has become too complex and at times overwhelming. In the last twelve months, my father died of complications related to Parkinson's Disease, my sister died of a drug overdose, two of my businesses failed, our last child was married, and I began the process of revealing who I really am to family, friends and the community. The emotional mayhem resulting from these events has seemed unmanageable often leaving me beaten, discouraged, and alone.
How am I going to achieve resolution? By acknowledging that I can't think my way through all of this--that I don't have the power in me to make things right. I need to share the burden with others.
Here is what I've done:
First, I met with a therapist, someone who will help me understand my options and learn how to once again find peace. Second, I made an appointment with my physician. Yes, sometimes drugs are part of the answer. Third, I've committed to do what I can to integrate my gay friends into my day-to-day life. I seem happiest when I am surrounded by members of The Family. Fourth, I'm returning to meaningful prayer. For some reason, when my life is difficult, I tend to shoulder the burden myself rather than place my burdens on the shoulders of God.
With all of this, I don't anticipate any great awakenings or profound insights. I do, however, feel the first vestiges of optimism and confidence are only a breath from my grasp. I know despite my fear, that all will be well...yes, all will be well.