Thursday, June 10, 2010

Failing to find intimacy

Since childhood, I’ve had an empty spot in my middle, this unbearable longing for male intimacy—a feeling that at times becomes an overwhelming yearning for oneness.

Understand that I’m not necessarily talking about sex. Realistically, intimacy might involve sex, but to me it is more typically the sharing of an emotional, intellectual, and yes, even spiritual connection that transcends a mere physical act that comes easily and then evaporates quickly.

To me intimacy means really knowing a man and him knowing me. It’s sharing at the deepest possible level what's going on inside of me and what's inside of him; it’s learning the mysteries of life together and creating a world of joy on the foundation of those mysteries.

The problem is that the task of finding a friend with whom to share thoughts, feelings and desires is daunting and at times seemingly impossible—especially for a middle aged married man. I’ve tried internet chat rooms, dating sites and even Craigslist where guys my age are typically trolling for a quick hook-up. I’ve joined associations and groups, but they seem to cater to the young and the old without a lot of men in the middle.

Where are the forty-something gay men spending their time?

Most recently I’ve been hitting the clubs (or at least one club—Pure) on Friday nights. Accompanied by a group of youngsters, the evenings are spent dancing and talking and laughing under the watchful gaze of well-formed go-go boys swaying on six foot pedestals surrounded by hundreds of undulating gay men (all under the age of 30). While I’ve readily concluded that this is not the place to discover intimacy, it’s a great spot to find a very good time. And if you can’t find what you’re looking for you settle for what you can get.

Last Friday night I really settled and as a result was left more than a little disturbed.

As I was dancing with friends, an acquaintance joined our group with his date—a beautiful young man with dark hair, broad shoulders and tight abs—just my type. Unfortunately, I immediately fell in lust. He must have sensed something because he quickly introduced himself and we began talking and dancing which led to more talking and dancing which inevitably led to more touching than dancing. It didn’t surprise me at all when he eventually turned his head and brushed my lips with a kiss. I gently returned the favor and he responded with a shudder. We spent the rest of the evening in each other’s arms, dancing, kissing, caressing, and both felt a bit cheated when the music finally ended.

As we left the club, he asked when we could meet again to which I gave a vague response. He then asked for my telephone number which I felt uncomfortable providing. He was hurt and angry. I felt guilty.

I had a wonderful time with this young man and thrilled at his touch, his smell, and his kiss, but in the end was surprised that our time together actually meant little. It was a delicious diversion and nothing more.

It frightened me to think that I’m that type of man—so interested and focused on his own needs that he allows himself to hurt others with little after-thought on his personal journey of self-discovery. It was a good lesson. I hope I actually learned something.


  1. Reading ur post, I just realize that i'm in the same situation. I want to have an intimacy like what you think. Not for sex, but a deeper understanding to each other.

    Btw, it seems you've just broken the law of chastity... havent you?


  2. For crying out loud. When the Pity Party is over let's have a Reality Check. You're having a Mid-Life Crisis the gay way. The only difference between you and a straight man is the straight man is trolling for younger women not men. Usually the straight man is a dead give away with his new red sports car, layers of gold chains around his neck, new cologne and trading in his shrew of a wife for a Trophy Wife. You didn't describe what you were wearing so I can't compare.

    Before I cause anymore hate and discontent, I'll tell you that I haven't walked in your shoes,but I walk in your wife's shoes. I've been in a MOM for over 36 years. So let me voice this side of the issue. And I'm no Molly Mormon but I do have a strong testimony in the Gospel of Jesus Christ and in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
    Your wife has a right to be very concerned. In my book, as a wife, you have broken faith, and the law of chastity.

    We have met the challenges of the last 36 years because we both are committed to the Lord and our marriage. And I can tell you for a fact that SGA was the least of our challenges. My husband knows that the Deal Breaker for me, is if he decides to go down the path that will lead him away from the gospel. He knows that I would rather be alone than to live with someone who dishonors his Priesthood, finds fault with church leaders or just isn't happy in our marriage. We've had our share of personality disagreements with leaders but hey, we're not letting someone else's ignorance or member's stupidity keep us from choosing the Lord or keep us out of His church. We try very hard to put each other first. I love him very much but I do want him to be happy. If it ever means he needs to be free of the responsibility of family and marriage, that is what I want for him.

    Being a parent doesn't stop after the children leave home (we've had four). We never stop being a parent. In their young adult and early marriage years, they have looked to us for guidance and counsel. The best part? They're listening to what we have to say much better than when they were 15, 16. When they were young adults, their father informed them of his SGA. They were surprised but assured him they still loved him and grateful for all we had done for them. I don't think that would be the case if they found out he was cruising gay bars and hooking up with men. They wouldn't have liked hearing about him dumping me over for a trophy wife or younger woman either. I think all the good he had done would become a sham in their eyes.

    So, I'm not going to tell you to do what will make you happy and fulfilled. Don't think for one moment that me or your wife wouldn't have loved to run away from it all and escaped to "find ourselves" after years of taking care of husband and family.
    You need to make a decision - Make your break and live this life you think you've missed out on or be true and honor your committmets and vows. Get off the fence! Trying to have one foot in each camp will be your undoing and bring nothing but unhappiness for you and those you love. If you do decide to follow the other path, well, it will bring unhappiness to those you love, but they will get through it and If I was your wife, I'd respect you more for your honesty than this duplicity.
    You are someone of great worth. Your wife and family know this. More importantly, your Heavenly Father knows this.
    Sorry to be so abrupt but I don't believe in pussy footing around.

  3. @Jonedrahadian:

    No he hasn't broken the law of chastity as taught in the temple. Some very conservative Mormons may think otherwise but that would be their personal opinion only, and incorrect.


    "I don't believe in pussy footing around" does not excuse your pouring such vitriol on someone already struggling mightily to decide his life's course. I should think that your years of claimed experience would have taught you more compassion. You have gone out of your way to rub salt into Clive's wounds rather than salving them as the Savior would have. It is not your place to issue such rebukes. Your duty and mine is to show charity, lift up the hands that hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees (Isaiah 35:3).