Getting through a hard phase...

Since seeing the light about TBM several weeks ago, I’ve been overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness and more importantly, this fatalistic fear that the remainder of my life will be spent enveloped in a dark shroud of isolation and meaninglessness.

These feelings are a result of a number of factors exclusive of TBM.

Since coming out and divorcing my wife, my relationship with my children who have all been an integral part of my world has become distant at best. While each child claims to love me and support me, there is no interest on their part in my life and the challenges and joys of being a gay man and little desire to discuss anything about their lives that is deeper than the superficial.

My business, which has historically been exciting and extremely rewarding, has over the last eighteen months crumbled. Economic factors including client bankruptcies, mergers, and significantly reduced budgets coupled with rumors about my personal life have led to an impossibly light portfolio of business—the smallest since I began consulting nearly twenty years ago.

My faith in Heavenly Father, the bedrock of my life, has turned itself upside down. While my testimony of core Gospel principles is as strong as ever, the autocratic, obedience driven religion promulgated by local and general church leaders today stands in stark contrast to Joseph Smith’s sharp focus on agency and the love of Christ, principles which are integral to my own faith. Being a person who prefers to find his way rather than follow a path dictated by men who know little about me and my life, I despair over the attitude that following blindly is more important than contemplation, meditation and personal revelation.

Keep your gay children close....

One of my favorite bloggers is Joanna Brooks. A self-described unorthodox Mormon, Joanna brings an interesting take on issues that often harmonizes with my own unorthodox devotion to the Gospel. Today in her "Ask Mormon Girl" post, she responded thoughtfully with more than a little inspiration to a mother wondering if she should allow her lesbian daughter to come home with her partner.

I was surprised (I guess I wasn't really surprised) by what seemed to me to be ill-informed and even bigoted comments left by several individuals who obviously considered themselves good Christians and exemplary Latter-day Saints.

While it has been difficult for me to write anything of substance lately, I couldn't help but respond to the woman with the honest question and the commentors with the narrow minds. Below is the text of my response.

Bloodied, bruised, but not beaten...

WARNING: THIS POST MAY CONTAIN TOO MUCH DRAMA FOR THE MORE SKEPTICAL READER!

This coming out thing is not an easy process. In many ways, it’s like moving to a foreign country, one in which you are required to learn a new language, a new culture, and establish yourself in an environment that is a little disconcerting at best.

While the difficulty of my transition has been mitigated to an extent by friends who care for me and do what they can to make my life easy, there have been inevitable bumps along the way that have left me with a few scrapes and bruises and perhaps even a broken bone or two.

Fortunately, I have no permanent scars and am recuperating. I’m confident that one day I’ll be as good as new.

The source of my most visible injury is predictable and should have been preventable, but my naivety coupled with confidence (some say arrogance) led to a series of decisions that reminds me of the idiot man who keeps pounding his head, bloodied and lacerated, against the block wall simply because the block wall is there.

And what is my block wall, you ask?

A man. The Butterfly Man, to be exact.