Getting through a hard phase...

Since seeing the light about TBM several weeks ago, I’ve been overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness and more importantly, this fatalistic fear that the remainder of my life will be spent enveloped in a dark shroud of isolation and meaninglessness.

These feelings are a result of a number of factors exclusive of TBM.

Since coming out and divorcing my wife, my relationship with my children who have all been an integral part of my world has become distant at best. While each child claims to love me and support me, there is no interest on their part in my life and the challenges and joys of being a gay man and little desire to discuss anything about their lives that is deeper than the superficial.

My business, which has historically been exciting and extremely rewarding, has over the last eighteen months crumbled. Economic factors including client bankruptcies, mergers, and significantly reduced budgets coupled with rumors about my personal life have led to an impossibly light portfolio of business—the smallest since I began consulting nearly twenty years ago.

My faith in Heavenly Father, the bedrock of my life, has turned itself upside down. While my testimony of core Gospel principles is as strong as ever, the autocratic, obedience driven religion promulgated by local and general church leaders today stands in stark contrast to Joseph Smith’s sharp focus on agency and the love of Christ, principles which are integral to my own faith. Being a person who prefers to find his way rather than follow a path dictated by men who know little about me and my life, I despair over the attitude that following blindly is more important than contemplation, meditation and personal revelation.

To young gay men--"It is not good for [a gay] man to be alone."

Yesterday as I was skimming my in-box for an interesting post, I happened on one by Andy, a BYU student struggling to reconcile his faith and his nature.

Andy recounted a recent visit he had had with his elder's quorum president, his desire and commitment to do the right thing, and his overwhelming sense of isolation and loneliness. Specifically, Andy told the EQP that he had confidence there were other gay men in the ward; he just wished he knew who they were so he could meet them, talk to them and perhaps enjoy their support.

The elder's quorum president responded that it was good for Andy to avoid other gay people, that forging his way alone was the right thing to do, and that he admired Andy for his strength to resist.

My heart broke for Andy. Just like so many well-meaning, but misguided leaders of the Church, Andy's EQP believed the best way to help Andy and other gay members of his quorum was to isolate them, keep them away from one another, ensure that they had no contact. This in his mind controls the contagion, keeps it from spreading, and maintains the moral integrity of the Church.

My letter to the family...

Why I'm sharing this with the world, I don't know. Maybe it might speak to someone in a way that is helpful.

Dear Family,

I owe you all an explanation and apology for leaving so abruptly last Tuesday evening so here goes.

Mom may have mentioned that I’ve been battling depression the last 6-8 months. The lingering death of my dad, the death of my sister, the loss of two businesses, the crash of my consulting business, and the resultant financial challenges have been just a little too much. Mix with all of that the irreconcilable conflict between issues related to being a gay man and my love for my wife and children and, well, life has been hard to say the least. Some days the best I could muster was a blank stare at a computer screen. Thanks to a good therapist and medication, my mental state has improved somewhat over the last month. I still have bad days, but the number of good days is increasing.