Friday, August 26, 2011

Getting through a hard phase...

Since seeing the light about TBM several weeks ago, I’ve been overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness and more importantly, this fatalistic fear that the remainder of my life will be spent enveloped in a dark shroud of isolation and meaninglessness.

These feelings are a result of a number of factors exclusive of TBM.

Since coming out and divorcing my wife, my relationship with my children who have all been an integral part of my world has become distant at best. While each child claims to love me and support me, there is no interest on their part in my life and the challenges and joys of being a gay man and little desire to discuss anything about their lives that is deeper than the superficial.

My business, which has historically been exciting and extremely rewarding, has over the last eighteen months crumbled. Economic factors including client bankruptcies, mergers, and significantly reduced budgets coupled with rumors about my personal life have led to an impossibly light portfolio of business—the smallest since I began consulting nearly twenty years ago.

My faith in Heavenly Father, the bedrock of my life, has turned itself upside down. While my testimony of core Gospel principles is as strong as ever, the autocratic, obedience driven religion promulgated by local and general church leaders today stands in stark contrast to Joseph Smith’s sharp focus on agency and the love of Christ, principles which are integral to my own faith. Being a person who prefers to find his way rather than follow a path dictated by men who know little about me and my life, I despair over the attitude that following blindly is more important than contemplation, meditation and personal revelation.

Finally, I am alone—no partner, no boyfriend, no prospects—and no real interest in correcting the problem. I’d rather be home by myself—and miserable— than put myself out there. Dating has no appeal. Somewhere along the way, I’ve lost my confidence.

OKAY, CLIVE, you say as you roll your eyes, shake your head, and say with no little exasperation, QUIT BEING A WHINER! GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN! YOU’RE ACTING LIKE A CRYBABY!

The fact is, you’re absolutely right. I’m having a pity party and I must admit that self-pity is not pretty. As a matter of fact, it’s definitely not on my list of top ten faves.

People who know me well would agree that NEGATIVISM AND FATALISM ARE NOT LIKE ME! I am usually a glass-half-full kind of guy. Until recently I’ve lived a low drama life and have vigorously shunned situations like those I find myself struggling with today.

I just need to fall back on my roots. That’s the answer to all my problems.

I learned long ago that I can ride out any challenge with a smile and sometimes even a song. Actually, my life experience teaches me that all will be well, that Heavenly Father has rigged the world for me (and everyone else for that matter) to succeed.

And as success has come to me in abundance throughout my life, it will continue to do so. I believe that in the end, God loves me, my family loves me, my friends love me, and life is good. As the Lord promised so long ago, men are that they might have joy and that joy is still out there for me as it always has been.

So I must stand up, brush off my knees and move forward with faith. Like so much of the coming out process, I’m just going through a phase. When I come out at the other end of this phase, I’m sure I’ll be surprised at the wonders I’ll find just waiting to be discovered!


  1. "move forward with faith"... is probably the most forceful statement you've made in this post. If we still have faith, we haven't lost hope, and if we haven't lost hope, then there is no room for despair, and if there is faith and hope, then the "I don't care" attitude of indifference sprouting from hopelessness does not exist.

    You still care... so build on that, and go forward, my friend!

  2. Clive,

    Beck's comment reminds me of the deliverance spoken of in Moroni 7:38-48, in which he ends with "there must needs be charity."

    I know you know better, but your words hint at a hoped-for expectation that your kids will come to you and voluntarily open up to all the feelings of where you each are at in your various stages of life... wrong! (At least my kids sure aren't willing to get very deep with me in their twenty-something lives.) So I would suggest you plan some 'dates' with each of them where there is no agenda, just fun times, to show them you care and want to be part of their lives. The meaningful discussions will come later.

    Have you thought about joining the Salt Lake Men's Chorus? This might provide you with some extra joy in life.

    Take care, brother. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  3. I feel you brother. I so understand the misery of alone coupled with a lack of desire to do a blessed thing about it!

  4. I'm in the same boat as you today. I'm normally very positive, but today I am very angry, and a little disheartened. I wish we could make our families feel the way we want them to, but it isn't that simple.

  5. Thanks for your great words of support and encouragement. I will hang in there and in a month or two, I'll look back on this with a chuckle if not a down right belly laugh.

  6. Virtual hug my friend. It's lonely sometimes, but we're not alone.

  7. Great post. I so believe your faith will get you through this. I know that is what is getting me through it. He is always with you to lift you up.
    I am still married, and out to my wife. I started going to church choir again, and that fills my heart with joy.

    Keep up the good work.

  8. I was in the group of bloggers you took photos of tonight. Thanks for being so kind to us. I've read some of the thoughtful posts on your blog. Your sentiments are well-written. May the Lord be with you & bless you in your struggles.

    Warmly, Michelle

  9. I have never gone through coming out as a gay man - I came out as an asexual woman, divorced my husband, and left the church. All within a few months of each other. It took a year for me to "get over" the pain and the change and the heartache. It's okay to just let it hurt for a while. (Like you can stop it from hurting.) It's okay to move slowly, and to feel a little self pity. Eventually, you'll just get done with it. One day you'll wake up and it won't be so dark.

    It gets better. Just keep walking your path, and you will find your way. Hugs!