Friday, August 26, 2011
Getting through a hard phase...
Since seeing the light about TBM several weeks ago, I’ve been overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness and more importantly, this fatalistic fear that the remainder of my life will be spent enveloped in a dark shroud of isolation and meaninglessness.
These feelings are a result of a number of factors exclusive of TBM.
Since coming out and divorcing my wife, my relationship with my children who have all been an integral part of my world has become distant at best. While each child claims to love me and support me, there is no interest on their part in my life and the challenges and joys of being a gay man and little desire to discuss anything about their lives that is deeper than the superficial.
My business, which has historically been exciting and extremely rewarding, has over the last eighteen months crumbled. Economic factors including client bankruptcies, mergers, and significantly reduced budgets coupled with rumors about my personal life have led to an impossibly light portfolio of business—the smallest since I began consulting nearly twenty years ago.
My faith in Heavenly Father, the bedrock of my life, has turned itself upside down. While my testimony of core Gospel principles is as strong as ever, the autocratic, obedience driven religion promulgated by local and general church leaders today stands in stark contrast to Joseph Smith’s sharp focus on agency and the love of Christ, principles which are integral to my own faith. Being a person who prefers to find his way rather than follow a path dictated by men who know little about me and my life, I despair over the attitude that following blindly is more important than contemplation, meditation and personal revelation.
Finally, I am alone—no partner, no boyfriend, no prospects—and no real interest in correcting the problem. I’d rather be home by myself—and miserable— than put myself out there. Dating has no appeal. Somewhere along the way, I’ve lost my confidence.
OKAY, CLIVE, you say as you roll your eyes, shake your head, and say with no little exasperation, QUIT BEING A WHINER! GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN! YOU’RE ACTING LIKE A CRYBABY!
The fact is, you’re absolutely right. I’m having a pity party and I must admit that self-pity is not pretty. As a matter of fact, it’s definitely not on my list of top ten faves.
People who know me well would agree that NEGATIVISM AND FATALISM ARE NOT LIKE ME! I am usually a glass-half-full kind of guy. Until recently I’ve lived a low drama life and have vigorously shunned situations like those I find myself struggling with today.
I just need to fall back on my roots. That’s the answer to all my problems.
I learned long ago that I can ride out any challenge with a smile and sometimes even a song. Actually, my life experience teaches me that all will be well, that Heavenly Father has rigged the world for me (and everyone else for that matter) to succeed.
And as success has come to me in abundance throughout my life, it will continue to do so. I believe that in the end, God loves me, my family loves me, my friends love me, and life is good. As the Lord promised so long ago, men are that they might have joy and that joy is still out there for me as it always has been.
So I must stand up, brush off my knees and move forward with faith. Like so much of the coming out process, I’m just going through a phase. When I come out at the other end of this phase, I’m sure I’ll be surprised at the wonders I’ll find just waiting to be discovered!