Mormon bridge builders are building a bridge to nowhere...

Today I’d like to write about those Mormons who want to “build bridges” to the gay and Lesbian community, whatever that means.

I know that there are some active members of the Mormon Church who sincerely desire to make a place at the table for LDS homosexuals. I love them and salute them for their courage.

But let’s be frank. Most of those who are anxious to “build bridges” to the gay world are interested in making room for LGBT people only on their terms without any real intention of recognizing them as honest partners in the family of Christ.

To the vast majority it’s quaintly acceptable to show “understanding and empathy” for the “terrible pain and suffering,” gays must endure. For these people it’s also tolerable to sit next to “a person with same-sex attraction” in Church or maybe even allow “one of them” to lead the music in Sacrament Meeting.

The irony is that these same people will decry the "gay lifestyle" and be “damned” before they even consider allowing “homos” to be legally married or (choke, gasp, sputter) adopt children.

Let me begin with my bottom line: I really don’t understand what building bridges is all about. (When I think of “building bridges” I think of Alaska’s “bridge to nowhere,” a boondoggle that would have cost taxpayers $398 million had it been built… a lot of capital without much return—not a wise business decision.)

To me “building bridges” is an entirely wrong metaphor and as a result, is a journey to nowhere. It implies compromise based on some degree of understanding. It implies settling for something less. It implies limiting my ambitions and desires to a level that is acceptable to someone else, but not to me.

I don’t want compromise and I will not settle for less than the whole. I will never understand or accept bigotry and condescension even in the smallest degree. As a result, I refuse to accept what most of these “bridge builders” have to offer.

From my perspective supporting gay rights in or out of the Church is a black or white issue. Either I am going to be respected and treated with dignity as a gay man or I am not.

As Christ so appropriately taught, “Whoever is not with me is against me... (Matthew 12:30).” (For those atheistic socialists out there, Vladimir Lenin said it even better, “…each man must choose between joining our side or the other side. Any attempt to avoid taking sides in this issue must end in fiasco.")

No, I’m not interested in building bridges any more than I’m interested in settling for less than I deserve. I deserve to enjoy life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness just like everyone else. When bridge builders are willing to acknowledge that, then we can talk.

How can you keep faith in a religion that has perpetrated so much prejudice and evil in the world?

I am a Christian.

Like the early fathers of the church, I, too, “...believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ, the only Son of God, eternally begotten of the Father....” (from the Nicene Creed). I take tremendous comfort and even find joy in this belief. It is part of my core and an inseparable component of my being.

Despite being a Christian, I struggle to apply Christian principles and values as I face the challenges of life. I readily acknowledge that because of my own humanity, I fall far short of Christ’s admonition and example.

My shortcomings, however, have no bearing on the truth of what I believe, only on my debt to him in whom I rest my belief.

Last month I had dinner with my brother and his family. My brother left the Church some twenty years ago and at the same time left his Christian conviction and faith in God. His children, as many generally do, followed their father.

As we sat enjoying the meal, one of my nephews was surprised to learn that despite having come out, I still maintained a firm commitment to Christ, if a somewhat unorthodox one. “How can you keep faith in a doctrine,” he asked, “that has perpetrated such prejudice and evil on the earth, especially one that has such visceral hatred of homosexuals?”

I was surprised by his question, but even more taken back by the tenor and tone in which the question was asked. It was obvious that he viewed Mormonism specifically and Christianity in general as a plague that undermines civil society and is a singular cause of injustice and misery.

His question and attitude saddened me. It was easy to see that he was entirely unaware of the contributions Christianity has made to make our country the beacon to the world that it is. From support for the poor to women’s suffrage to health care to worker’s rights to ending racial discrimination, Christian people because of their faith have been at the forefront of the fight to secure justice and equal protection under the law.

My nephew and many in his generation only see Christianity and especially Mormonism as a mechanism of control, coercion and oppression. When they think of Christians at all, they think of autocrats, pedophiles, homophobes, and scam artists.

The truth of the matter is that the Church, because it is led by men, is inherently flawed just as man is flawed. The teachings of Christ are often twisted and perverted. As the Lord told the Prophet Joseph Smith, “…it is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority…they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion” (D&C 121:39).

What many fail to appreciate is that the quality of a particular Christian believer is in no way a measure of the truthfulness of the Christian message. We all fall short and always will.

The beauty of Mormonism in particular and Christianity in general is the belief that despite our flaws, we are children of God. We can be better and do better and that through love and sacrifice, we have made and will continue to make the world better as well. This belief despite differences in dogma or doctrine is the power that makes Christianity a singular force for good in our country and the world.

I love you and accept you, but…you must live your life alone, without love, companionship and intimacy.

In a previous post, I shared my belief that all too many members of the LDS Church claim to love their LGBT brothers and sisters, but often attach "but..." to that love. This conditional acceptance, while perhaps justified in the eyes of the orthodox, has consequences that are generally hurtful to gay members of the Mormon community and sometimes tragic. This series of posts deals with several of the most commonly used “but…” statements and the cost of those statements.

Now I would like to tackle a final "but..." statement. This is the statement that in my mind propagates more loneliness, isolation and depression than any of the others I've discussed. It is the isolation statement...

"I love you and accept you, but…you must live your life alone, without love, companionship and intimacy, something that is central to God’s plan for the rest of us."

Some time ago I received an email from Andy, a BYU student struggling to reconcile his faith and his nature.

Andy recounted a recent visit he had had with his elder's quorum president, his desire and commitment to do the right thing, and his overwhelming sense of isolation and loneliness. Specifically, Andy told the EQP that he had confidence there were other gay men in the ward; he just wished he knew who they were so he could meet them, talk to them and perhaps enjoy their support.

The elder's quorum president responded that it was good for Andy to avoid other gay people, that forging his way alone was the right thing to do, and that he admired Andy for his strength to resist.

My heart broke for Andy. Just like so many well-meaning, but misguided Church members, Andy's EQP believed the best way to help Andy and other gay members of his quorum was to isolate them, keep them away from one another, ensure that they had no contact. This in his mind controls the contagion, keeps it from spreading, and maintains the moral integrity of the Church.

The tragedy is that Andy and others like him continue to feel disconnected, lonely, and different. Despite tremendous effort and commitment, they fail to discover their divine nature and instead wrestle futilely with their "unnatural" and "deviant" desires. Eventually, they all too often slip into despair and depression, their despair becomes hopelessness and they begin to wonder if their lives are worth the struggle.

I couldn't help but respond to Andy's post. I wrote:

"My heart breaks for you, Andy. I was once where you are and I know all too well the ache that grieves you. It does get better.

"I have come to realized that as a gay man I'm not broken. I'm not suffering from an illness like drug addiction or depression. My nature is not deviant nor are my desires unnatural.

"I am a child of God who is made in HIS image. He loves me because of who I am, not despite what I am. I am good and whole and at peace.

"Because God loves me, he has prepared a place for me where I might rise to my potential and ultimately find joy--both in this world and the next.

"And he doesn't mean for me to be alone. He doesn't intend for me to travel this world by myself, without a helpmeet.

"Elohim said,"It is not good for man to be alone." His prophet said that we are that we might have joy. As you only too clearly know, there is no joy in loneliness.

"It's a tragedy that so many straight people prefer us to remain alone--isolated from those who are like us, those who can best help us find our way.

"Whether it’s a partner or a friend, we need companionship to ultimately find peace in our lives. I'd encourage you to do just that--find companionship with good men who are like you and me.

"God bless you, my friend, on your journey.”

There are too many Andy's in the world struggling to find their way. They all need someone to take their hand and direct their footsteps. They need a friend, a guide, a support.

At the same time, there are too many people promoting and encouraging isolation. This is not good. This is not God's way.

The fact is, we were not made to live our lives alone. Despite what well meaning people might say, Heavenly Father is clear that it is a solitary and lonely life without companionship that is actually "deviant" and "unnatural."

Adapted from the keynote address given by Allen Miller at the 2012 Salt Lake City Circling the Wagons Conference.

I love you and accept you, but…stay away from my children.

In a previous post, I shared my belief that all too many members of the LDS Church claim to love their LGBT brothers and sisters, but often attach "but..." to that love. This conditional acceptance, while perhaps justified in the eyes of the orthodox, has consequences that are generally hurtful to gay members of the Mormon community and sometimes tragic. This series of posts deals with several of the most commonly used “but…” statements and the cost of those statements.

Earlier this year I met a man who had served as scoutmaster in his ward for most of his adult life. Like most scoutmasters, this man had a special way with boys that made them think bigger, serve better, and accomplish more. He loved his role in their lives and they loved his patience, confidence and example. He was proud of the fact that almost every member of his troop had eventually received the rank of Eagle and most had served missions and gone on to live productive, exemplary lives.

As this acquaintance moved into middle age, the burden of living a closeted life became overwhelming. He approached his bishop confidentially and told him of his attraction to men. He advised the bishop that he had never acted on these inclinations, but they remained with him just the same.

Several weeks after meeting with his bishop, my friend was released from his calling as scoutmaster “for the sake of the boys.”

Despite kind words and good intentions, a “but” statement still exists with regard to homosexuals and children and youth. There is an institutionalized belief in the myth that homosexuals are pedophiles and perverts intent on molesting young people or converting teenagers.

If this were not so, why would the 2010 Handbook of Instruction (Vol. 1) require members' records to be annotated for "homosexual activities", as well as pedophilia and incest or serious abuse of a child?

To put homosexuality on the same footing as incest or serious child abuse speaks volumes about the Church's real feelings toward its homosexual members, regardless of its pleas for compassion and its slick new websites.

Adapted from the keynote address given by Allen Miller at the 2012 Salt Lake City Circling the Wagons Conference.

I love you and accept you, but…you have to acknowledge that you’re broken and as a result, live your life the way I feel is best.

In a previous post, I shared my belief that all too many members of the LDS Church claim to love their LGBT brothers and sisters, but often attach "but..." to that love. This conditional acceptance, while perhaps justified in the eyes of the orthodox, has consequences that are generally hurtful to gay members of the Mormon community and sometimes tragic. This series of posts deals with several of the most commonly used “but…” statements and the cost of those statements.

Some time ago, I was asked to respond to a post by a well know Mormon blogger, Misty. Among other things, Misty felt tremendous sorrow and compassion for those who "suffered" from same sex attraction. Her "mother-heart" broke for the terrible burden we gay people have to bear. At the same time, she insisted that for our own good and for that of society, we should be required to comply with her orthodox view, the true laws of God.

Misty is not unlike many well meaning members of the LDS church who view homosexuals as just another group of suffering sick people in need of empathy and concern. That empathy and concern, however, only goes so far…only so far as our beliefs and behaviors comply with her traditional spiritual view.

Let me share with you my response to Misty and to others like her:

"Misty, I am truly glad that you have gay friends. I’m sure they have helped to open your eyes somewhat to our lives and challenges. It is obvious, however, that you have never ridden the emotional and spiritual roller-coaster that comes with having a homosexual person central in your life. And so I would like to offer another view and opinion.

"As a gay man, I honestly do not want compassion or special treatment. I do not want to be an object of pity. I love who I am and count my homosexuality a gift from Heavenly Father. I, like most gay Latter-day Saints whether active or not, recognize that I am a noun, not an adjective.

"And I am a man. Regardless of what some might teach, homosexuality is not an issue of gender identity. Neither I nor most of my gay male friends have the desire or interest in being anything but men.

"As men, we are entitled to be treated fairly and equally.

"You imply that you have the right to believe that homosexuality is aberrant and only heterosexuality is ordained of God.

"I, along with most of my gay and Lesbian brothers and sisters, agree. You have that right.

"But I, like you, also have the right to believe and I believe that God generously grants his grace to homosexuals and heterosexuals alike. And because of God’s grace and my divine nature, I have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, just like you.

"While I would never attempt to deprive you the rights to happiness despite our differing views and perspectives, you demand that I accept your belief as definitive. You force me under law to comply with a belief I find repugnant and contrary to moral and empirical evidence.

"Yet I do not ask you to give up your belief. I only demand that I be allowed the same respect and privilege.”

Adapted from the keynote address given by Allen Miller at the 2012 Salt Lake City Circling the Wagons Conference.

I love and accept you, but…I don’t accept your homosexual lifestyle

In a previous post, I stated my belief that all too many members of the LDS Church claim to love their LGBT brothers and sisters, but often attach "but..." to that love. This conditional acceptance, while perhaps justified in the eyes of the orthodox, has consequences that are generally hurtful to gay members of the Mormon community and sometimes tragic.

One of the most common "but..." statements is the nasty stand-by, "I love and accept you, but…I don’t accept your homosexual lifestyle."

Several years ago, a friend and I were riding public transportation to a restaurant in the western part of the Salt Lake Valley. At one of the stops, a group of teenage boys, obviously homeless, boarded the bus. As is our custom, my friend and I began a conversation with the boys—a conversation that ultimately would break our hearts.

These boys came from various parts of Salt Lake County. Each had been raised in "good" LDS homes, attending primary and Young Men’s, priesthood and seminary. One boy’s father was a stake president and another boy’s dad had been a bishop.

Why were these boys on the streets? Tragically, each had been driven from his home by parents who refused to accept that he was born with certain perspectives and desires which the parents viewed as deviant. Rather than try to understand, support, and accept these young men for the sons of God that they are, their fathers and mothers demanded conformity as a pre-requisite for granting parental love.

As a result, the boys were lost to their parents and lost to God, rejecting all that would make their lives rich, safe and joyful. Instead, these young men were lonely, angry and afraid.

What had each parent told these boys before sending them to the streets? Everyone of those homeless boys had been given some variant of this "but..." statement. "I love you, but if you remain at home you'll be a bad influence on your brothers," or "I love you and want you to stay, but you can't keep thinking you have same sex attraction," or "I love you and feel your pain, but you better not bring your gay friends into our home." Everyone of these parents bought into the idea that, "I love and accept you, but…I don’t accept your 'homosexual lifestyle'."

The underlying issue is that these parents do not or cannot accept the fact that their sons are homosexual males, no more afflicted than any of their heterosexual children. They believe that in the end, their SSA-behaving sons have a choice. What this choice actually boils down to is that they can either live lives of deceit and pretend to be straight or they must live lives of integrity outside the family circle.

The irony is that the families of these boys had all been sealed in a temple of God, united forever.

What these parents failed to remember is that "what God has joined together, let no man put asunder."

I love gay people,...but....

While Heavenly Father loves you and me without reservation, many members of our Mormon community are not so open or so tolerant. While they might say they love us and accept us, they often end their expressions of love with a three letter word that is every bit as foul as any of the four letter words that I try sometimes unsuccessfully to avoid. That three letter word is the word “but”. The typical phrase is, “I love and accept you, but…”

How many times have you heard some well meaning Mormon say something like "I love gay people, BUT I will NEVER condoned their actions." Or, "I've always made it very clear to my Lesbian friends that I love them, BUT I don't support their lifestyle."

When I was young, I learned something that has stayed with me my entire life...a little insight into English grammar. I learned that when we use "but" in a sentence, we in fact generally negate most of what we have said before the "but".

When we say "I love LGBT people" and then say "but", we are in fact saying that we really don't love "LGBT people" unless it's on our terms. The question I’d like to ask those of you who use “but” statements, do you really love LGBT people?

It's interesting that in all the words of Christ, he never made a statement that was followed by "but". He never said, "Love thy neighbor, but..." He simply said "Love thy neighbor." He never said, “Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden, but…” He just said, “Come unto me all ye…and I will give you rest.”

The problem with many today is that they insist that relationships and approval are granted on their terms with a HUGE "but" conspicuously hanging in the middle. This seems especially true when dealing with LGBT issues.

I don't think Christ or His Father would be too pleased.

The problem with “but” statements is that any reasonable person recognizes the patina of hypocrisy that drips from the statement.

What’s even more important to understand is that using “but” statements creates situations with consequences. Generally, these consequences impact people and lives, often in terrible or heartbreaking ways.

Over the next several posts, I will share a few of the most common "but" statements and the consequences that often transpire.

Adapted from the keynote address given by Allen Miller at the 2012 Salt Lake City Circling the Wagons Conference.