Tuesday, June 29, 2010

My letter to the family...

Why I'm sharing this with the world, I don't know. Maybe it might speak to someone in a way that is helpful.

Dear Family,

I owe you all an explanation and apology for leaving so abruptly last Tuesday evening so here goes.

Mom may have mentioned that I’ve been battling depression the last 6-8 months. The lingering death of my dad, the death of my sister, the loss of two businesses, the crash of my consulting business, and the resultant financial challenges have been just a little too much. Mix with all of that the irreconcilable conflict between issues related to being a gay man and my love for my wife and children and, well, life has been hard to say the least. Some days the best I could muster was a blank stare at a computer screen. Thanks to a good therapist and medication, my mental state has improved somewhat over the last month. I still have bad days, but the number of good days is increasing.

Tuesday was a bad day. You probably didn’t notice, but when we weren’t going to the falls, I spent most of my time in the bedroom trying to keep my head above water. That evening, when the brothers jumped on me and Mom seemed to pile on as well, I felt the world collapsing around me—literally. It was just too much. I felt absolutely alone and isolated with a black shroud overwhelming me. My flight response kicked in and I ran.

In my irrational condition, my initial plan was to leave you all forever and start life over somewhere else. I drove home in a stupor, loaded my clothes and a few personal things in the car, and just drove. Fortunately, the car found its way to my mother’s home, where she welcomed me with the love and support I so desperately needed. For the last four days I spent my time just sitting or sleeping, digging my way out of the bottomless pit in which I found myself. Late yesterday I finally felt up to driving but not yet ready to confront the family, so I decided to go to California for a few days. I made it as far as Las Vegas, found a nice hotel and plan to stay here for a day or two before returning home.

I’m sorry I haven’t returned your emails, telephone calls or texts, but I’m still not in a place where I can talk. Just writing this email has been a challenge. Suffice it to say that I love you all and appreciate your concern and prayers. I finally have regained a bit of hope that I’ll get my feet on level ground again. The world is not entirely black.

Again, I’m sorry for my bad behavior and hope you will all understand.



1 comment:

  1. Clive,
    My heart goes out to you. I understand much of your pain and pray you find peace.