My world has turned itself upside down since my last post. Three weeks ago I was vulnerable, confused, insecure and overwhelmed. Today, a mere three weeks later, I am calm and confident. What a difference confronting an impossible decision and seizing it makes in attitude and outlook.
As I related in my previous posts, coming out to my family was not the easiest of life experiences. Following an uncharacteristic argument with my wife and sons, I left our family conclave devastated to spend four days with my mother contemplating my future.
For most of those four days I sat in her living room, saying nothing, seeing nothing, feeling nothing. The turmoil of conscience overwhelmed me and left me ill. My choices were clear, but the decision was not: do I remain committed to my wife and our marital relationship and as a result, force myself back into a life of fear and deception or do I live as my soul desired, freed from marital obligations and commitments to find a soul mate with whom I could share real intimacy.
As the hours and days passed, the decision became plain and ultimately, I found the courage to make it.
Upon returning home, my wife and I held each other close as I quietly explained that it was probably best for us to live separate lives. With tears, she agreed, but confirmed the importance of maintaining our love and friendship. Regardless of our marital status, she said, we have always been and must continue to be the best of friends. I concurred that my life could never be whole without her friendship and support. I would always be there for her as she would be for me.
From there things have moved swiftly and smoothly. Fences with my children have at least for the moment been sufficiently mended. The timeline and financial arrangements of our divorce have been finalized. I have found and put under contract a home in a nearby community where I will begin my new life.
The surprising thing is that for the first time in months I feel confident and calm. I know I’ve made the right choice. I really am at peace.
Over the next weeks and months I’m sure new difficulties will arise, challenges that might tempt me to rethink my decision. Despite these challenges I will have the memory of this calm assurance and know that my new path is the right one.
God bless you on your new path Clive. I pray you find peace.
ReplyDeleteWOW! Decisions of this magnitude are difficult to come to. I am comforted by your words "I really am at peace" and "calm assurance".
ReplyDeleteI found your blog a few days ago and only now found a minute to comment. Thank you for being so open.
ReplyDeleteThere are so many of us in such similar situations. We all have to figure out what is best for us and the ones we love. None of us are perfect and I don't think we can create the perfect change or circumstances. Of course the configuration of your family has changed, but the love that still binds you together can build something both different and good.
You seem very thoughtful in your approach. The openness and honesty with your wife that you wrote about is so vital. And while your decision is by no means an easy one, and one I'm sure you didn't take lightly, those feelings of peace and assurance are genuine and, as you mentioned, important to remember.
Godspeed in the days ahead. I hope you'll keep blogging.
I, too, just found your blog on the mohodirectory. Like you I am a father and at some point I could be on a similar path. But for now I am committed to my marriage. We have been through happy and sad times together and this is one of the happier times. Thanks for your honesty and sharing your story. I'm glad you've found peace and I look forward to more updates.
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