My world has turned itself upside down since my last post. Three weeks ago I was vulnerable, confused, insecure and overwhelmed. Today, a mere three weeks later, I am calm and confident. What a difference confronting an impossible decision and seizing it makes in attitude and outlook.
As I related in my previous posts, coming out to my family was not the easiest of life experiences. Following an uncharacteristic argument with my wife and sons, I left our family conclave devastated to spend four days with my mother contemplating my future.
For most of those four days I sat in her living room, saying nothing, seeing nothing, feeling nothing. The turmoil of conscience overwhelmed me and left me ill. My choices were clear, but the decision was not: do I remain committed to my wife and our marital relationship and as a result, force myself back into a life of fear and deception or do I live as my soul desired, freed from marital obligations and commitments to find a soul mate with whom I could share real intimacy.
As the hours and days passed, the decision became plain and ultimately, I found the courage to make it.
Upon returning home, my wife and I held each other close as I quietly explained that it was probably best for us to live separate lives. With tears, she agreed, but confirmed the importance of maintaining our love and friendship. Regardless of our marital status, she said, we have always been and must continue to be the best of friends. I concurred that my life could never be whole without her friendship and support. I would always be there for her as she would be for me.
From there things have moved swiftly and smoothly. Fences with my children have at least for the moment been sufficiently mended. The timeline and financial arrangements of our divorce have been finalized. I have found and put under contract a home in a nearby community where I will begin my new life.
The surprising thing is that for the first time in months I feel confident and calm. I know I’ve made the right choice. I really am at peace.
Over the next weeks and months I’m sure new difficulties will arise, challenges that might tempt me to rethink my decision. Despite these challenges I will have the memory of this calm assurance and know that my new path is the right one.