Thursday, October 11, 2012

The joy of (gay) dating...

Email from a guy I went out with last month:

Hi Clive. Hope you enjoyed the men's choir concert last Sunday! Sorry I really couldn't talk at the time I saw you. I was actually on a first date with a guy I met online. I don't think we will be dating more as he tends to like younger guys!

I've heard that you prefer to date younger guys too... I must be honest and admit this is one of the reasons I haven't gotten back to you. My preference is also for hairy guys and you just aren't all that hairy! For whatever reason, that is a big turn on for me!

I wasn't sure of what you were asking me as we were leaving the concert... was it whether I wanted to get together with you again? I'm sure that we would make good friends even if we don't make it as lovers... let me know what you think!


My response:

Hey, Maurice, it was great seeing you on Saturday. I missed having a chance to chat. Thanks for the email and your candor.

I couldn't help but chuckle as I read it. Okay, I admit that I date younger guys and have become infatuated with a few, but when it comes to finding a partner...I usually date guys our age. That in fact is why I wanted to go out with you.

Remember, I've only been out of the closet for two years and admittedly find it hard to resist a hunk of young manflesh when it's presented (I think it's the gay adolescent in me). Although I might enjoy being with the young guy for a while, I inevitably come to my senses and realize he's not right for the long haul. These twenty-somethings are generally not permanent partner material.

My approach to finding a partner is a little different and maybe a bit more complicated. I figure I will ultimately marry someone who I've come to know and love first as a friend, and then as a bedmate.

This means I try to meet as many guys as I can and make as many friends as possible with the belief that eventually I'll fall in love not necessarily with the guy who is the hottest or sexiest or who has the hardest abs, but with the man with whom I'm most compatible. My hope is that he will fall in love with me, too, despite my physical shortcomings.

Let me illustrate with a story a buddy shared with me a week ago. He had been communicating with a guy for months on the internet. Last summer the guy came to visit for some weeks. When my friend first saw the guy in the airport his reaction was, "This guy is definitely not my type. What am I going to do with him for a day let alone weeks?" My friend persevered despite what he described as his initial lack of physical attraction. To make a long story a little shorter, by the time my friend's guest left 6 weeks later, they were both madly in love and anxious to make their relationship permanent.

As of yet, I haven't had a "love at first sight" experience and I doubt I ever will. Instead, I thrive on making friends with guys and believe that eventually one of them will be the person with whom I will share my life. I'm open-minded and confident that will happen. I'm also confident that this man with whom I connect will overlook my shortcomings and incompatibilities in exchange for a deeper appreciation of my heart and character—as I will his.

So, Maurice, am I asking you to be my lover? No. I am suggesting that we might become friends and then let the cards fall where they may. Let's go to a movie, a concert, a hike or something else sometime soon and begin to get to know one another better.

The prospect of becoming "just friends" is actually exciting.


  1. Enlightening post - I enjoyed it. There are few gay dating opportunities where I live, which gets frustrating.

  2. What was his response? If he doesn't respond, he's an IDIOT! :)

  3. I always thought my approach of getting to know someone and having friendship as a basis for anything in the future was outdated and no longer used. Too many of the guys I date jump in head first, and to me, that doesn't scream lasting relationship. I appreciate your post because it shows me that there are guys with similar methods as me and in search of the same thing. Thank you!

  4. Thank you, milord, for putting that into words for me. And thanx for showing that I'm not the only one hoping for that transition from friend-whom-I-love to partner-with-whom-I-share-deep-love.

    I must say, though, that I have had "love at first sight" experiences. In nearly all cases, the other person didn't have that experience. With the one exception, it didn't last. While there are men who fascinate me from the moment I meet them, and occasionally men who are fascinated by me the moment they meet me, having both happen at once is apprently an extremely rare situation. :o)