My first New Year's Eve...I'm out to find a man...

It's my first New Year's Eve out to the world and I'm not going to spend it sitting at home. I'm not just going to be out, I'm actually going out!

Thanks to my new favorite book, The Secret, I know this is the night I'll find my man. I've been sending vibes to the universe all day. The universe won't, thank goodness, let me down.

As in everything worth doing, preparation is the key. First there's the obligatory trip to the gym. The arms and pecs are pumped and throbbing. The abs and ass are tight and firm. Not bad, not bad.

After the gym comes the obligatory spray on tan and a quick laser tooth whitener. Getting better, getting better.

Then it's home where the real fun begins--trying to decide which pair of holey jeans and which skin-tight shirt to choose to cloth my bulging body. I want something that will stretch enough to emphasize my pecs, sheer enough to show off my veins and just the right color to complement my Mystic.

Righteous indignation (or did I just make an ass of myself...)

Those who know me generally see me as an easy going congenial kind of guy. Those who know me well know that I have a dark side, that when my buttons are pushed (which isn't very often), I can get more than a little riled.

Tonight my buttons were pushed.

The second adolescence…

It’s odd experiencing adolescence in middle age. Since coming out, the constraints and mores that have circumscribed acceptable behavior for my entire adult life seem to have dissipated like “a breeze through the oak.”

In their place pulse a sense of wonder and amazement, courage and audacity, vigor and power, sensation and sensuality, urges and compulsions that are new and, candidly, on occasion, overwhelming. It’s as though I’ve entered a brave new world and am again confronting the mysterious first signs of manhood, the deepening voice, the thickening body, the pangs of desire, and the apprehension and trepidation that make the unknown not just a bit frightening, but even more importantly, enticing.

The ultimate obscenity...

This past summer, my wife and I made the most difficult decision of our lives. After decades of a mixed orientation marriage, she the straight wife and I the gay husband, we decided that divorce was our only option. We love each other and had built our relationship on a foundation of integrity and fidelity, but the emotional and spiritual cost of sustaining that relationship had become too great.

The task of meeting with friends and loved ones individually to explain our new situation seemed overwhelming. After much thought and prayer, we decided to invite family and friends to our home and tell them together, answer questions, and provide some degree of understanding as to what led to our decision.

Several days before our planned meeting, our bishop invited us to meet with him. After cordial introductions, he informed us that if we continued with our gathering, he would consider us in apostasy and would initiate disciplinary action against both my wife and me immediately.

So it wasn't my last post....

Okay, a guy (especially a gay guy) has a right to change his mind every once in a while. And so I've changed mine.

After careful consideration, I've decided that I'll continue to post on this blog and will recommit to sharing my heart and my experience.

Who knows? It might actually help me navigate the rough seas that I have yet to face. If I haven't learned anything over the last few years, I've learned that while my voyage is new to me, it's all water under the stern for many of you. Your comments and guidance have had a profound impact on me and my life and will continue to do so. Keep your opinions coming. I appreciate your advice and insights tremendously.

My last post...

Almost 4 months have passed since my last post. Those four months have been among the best of my life. I am divorced and have established myself as an independent, fully open gay man. I have begun creating a variety of friendships and finding a place in the gay community. I feel at peace with my decisions and have confidence in the direction those decisions are taking me.

There are only two regrets with which I struggle. I regret that my new life, which is a source of joy and honest contentment for me, is causing my former wife and our children heartache. I'm sure these feelings of sadness will eventually subside, but seeing the people I love struggle with the implications of my decision is difficult.

The second regret involves my feelings about the Church. While my testimony of the Restoration is as strong as ever, my experience with local ecclesiastical leaders and the experience of nearly all of my friends make it difficult for me to remain active. While I continue to attend meetings each Sunday, I do so with sadness. It seems that while Church leaders talk of acceptance of all of God's children at the table of Christ, only those who fit the pattern of the potential god may actually partake. Since I have no interest in godhood as I currently understand it, the most I can enjoy of the meal of Christ is its aroma--insufficient motivation for me to remain at the table.

And so I come to my last paragraph. I am now unmarried and my ties to the Church, tenuous. As a result, any future posts on this blog fall outside its original intent.

Let me close, as any good Latter-day Saint might do, with my testimony. I know that I have been guided by my Heavenly Father over these last years to find joy. I now feel that joy. That is the sum and total of our purpose: "Men are that they might have joy." For that joy I am truly grateful.