A letter to our bishop...

Dear Bishop:

Please accept my apology for writing this letter. I have to this point in my life avoided criticism of my Church leaders and feel extremely uncomfortable offering criticism now. I do so only after considerable time spent in meditation and prayer with more than a little fear of reprisal. But at the same time, I feel it imperative to document last week’s interview with you and humbly offer suggestions that might have made the experience positive.

Our meeting on Wednesday evening was emotionally and spiritually draining. Admittedly, I have never participated nor anticipated that I would participate in an ecclesiastical interview that was so devoid of a spiritual basis or for that matter, the Spirit. That its tenor and content were so antithetical to your character and basic Gospel principles was shocking and disappointing.

Another letter to the family...

Dear Family:

It’s been a while since I’ve spoken with many of you so I thought I’d write a quick note to bring you all up to date.

My recent decisions have, I’m sure, caused no end of anxiety and turmoil. I am truly sorry for that. If there was any way I could find peace in my life without hurting you, I would have done it. But some things are inevitable and this was one of those things. It was just a matter of time and it’s usually healthier to lance the boil earlier than later.

And so, my family, the boil has been lanced. The healing can now finally begin.

Another step on the road...

My world has turned itself upside down since my last post. Three weeks ago I was vulnerable, confused, insecure and overwhelmed. Today, a mere three weeks later, I am calm and confident. What a difference confronting an impossible decision and seizing it makes in attitude and outlook.

As I related in my previous posts, coming out to my family was not the easiest of life experiences. Following an uncharacteristic argument with my wife and sons, I left our family conclave devastated to spend four days with my mother contemplating my future.

My letter to the family...

Why I'm sharing this with the world, I don't know. Maybe it might speak to someone in a way that is helpful.

Dear Family,

I owe you all an explanation and apology for leaving so abruptly last Tuesday evening so here goes.

Mom may have mentioned that I’ve been battling depression the last 6-8 months. The lingering death of my dad, the death of my sister, the loss of two businesses, the crash of my consulting business, and the resultant financial challenges have been just a little too much. Mix with all of that the irreconcilable conflict between issues related to being a gay man and my love for my wife and children and, well, life has been hard to say the least. Some days the best I could muster was a blank stare at a computer screen. Thanks to a good therapist and medication, my mental state has improved somewhat over the last month. I still have bad days, but the number of good days is increasing.

Coming out to the kids...not so good

What I had hoped to be a great family conclave turned into an unmitigated disaster and admittedly, I’m mostly to blame. To make a long story short, I came out to my children (who are all married) and their spouses on Sunday evening. While the discussion was positive and all were seemingly accepting, there was an undercurrent of tension with my oldest and youngest sons that was unmistakable. I doubt the tension was obvious to others, but I could tell it was there.

After two days, the strain finally erupted in a yelling match on a totally unrelated matter between these sons and me in which most of the family including my wife piled on me. In an impulsive reflex, I told my wife I was leaving her, gathered my things, jumped in my car and began the four hour drive to our home.

The need for a helpmeet...

For a married gay man who craves male intimacy, the question of fidelity is always a nagging issue. Specifically, when does intimacy move from perfectly permissible to pressing the boundaries to actually crossing that sometimes not so indelible line? This is particularly difficult if the married gay man is an active Latter-day Saint with the traditional moral scruples ingrained by Church teaching.

The easy answer is the one to which most heterosexual church members adhere--any interaction between two men beyond a good conversation, a handshake or an occasional hug is entirely impermissible. For heterosexuals, that is an easy answer, but for those of us who are gay, the reality is much more complex.

Failing to find intimacy

Since childhood, I’ve had an empty spot in my middle, this unbearable longing for male intimacy—a feeling that at times becomes an overwhelming yearning for oneness.

Understand that I’m not necessarily talking about sex. Realistically, intimacy might involve sex, but to me it is more typically the sharing of an emotional, intellectual, and yes, even spiritual connection that transcends a mere physical act that comes easily and then evaporates quickly.