Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Gays, sex, and medicine
Warning: Although this post contains graphic content that some might find offensive, please read it anyway. It just might save your life!
While I have many friends, most of these people are actually casual acquaintances. I take friendship seriously, so I limit real friendship to those people who mean the world to me. The reason I'm saying this is to underscore that my circle of friends is actually not very large.
Over the last two months, several of these real friends have come to me admitting that they had contracted an STD. My friends are not the type of guys who generally sleep around or engage in slutty behavior. These are guys who are usually careful about whom they date and even more careful about what they do on dates--if you get my drift.
As a result of their admissions, I asked a doctor friend of mine about sex and the gay world. He said, and I quote: "BE CAREFUL OUT THERE!"
According to him, the Wasatch Front has a secret STD problem of tremendous magnitude, particularly in the gay community. It seems there are a lot of weekend warriors (guys who are married and monogamous on weekdays, but use the weekends to prowl for a little action, man-on-man). These weekend warriors, my doctor friend suggests, fail to understand that the temple worthy elder's quorum president he just nailed has in fact already been nailed by a dozen other church going, family loving, closet cases. As a result, precautions are not taken and someone winds up getting sick. The real problem is that these guys don't get tested regularly, don't recognize the symptoms easily, put off getting treated, and in blissful ignorance continue to give the gift that keeps on giving.
Unfortunately, the only way to avoid STDs is to practice total abstinence. (Sounds fun, doesn't it.) Now, if you're like a lot of gay guys, abstinence is just not your thing. Fortunately, there is always a second way, a little oniastic exercise that gets your wrists moving and your heart thumping. (If you can't have steak, at least you've got hamburger, right?)
If you're one of those weak minded reprobates that simply can't abstain (isn't that everybody?), then you have to think "reduction." To REDUCE your risk of contracting an STD (notice I said REDUCE , not eliminate), there is the good old suffocation sock (better known as a condom).
Our first rule, my beloved friends and readers, should be--if we don't have a condom, we don't have sex. And our second rule? We don't trust ANYONE, regardless of how virtuous he may seem or virginal he may profess to be.
It just isn't safe.
While we're engaged in sexual activity, we must also remember that although condoms are effective in preventing infection by HIV, gonorrhea, and chlamydia, they will NOT protect us from ulcerative STDs like genital herpes, syphilis, and genital warts.
Speaking of genital warts, they don't just pop up on the genitalia (and you ain't seen ugly until you've seen oral genital warts, boys.) Sad to say, licking the lollipop is not safe sex either. In addition to genital warts, genital herpes can be passed orally, HIV can under certain circumstances be passed orally (although not commonly), and syphilis and chancroid can also be passed with genital oral contact.
Well, at least making out is safe, right? WRONG. In addition to a plethora of common illnesses that are passed by a little mouth-to-mouth, more serious conditions like genital warts, genital herpes, and in certain conditions even syphilis can result from spending too much time smooching on the sofa.
Alright, I've said my say and sang from my soapbox. Now that your plans for the evening are ruined, go take a nice warm shower, jump right into bed, and be glad you're home alone. At least you don't have to worry about those bloody STDs.