Sunday, February 27, 2011
Believe it or not , MOMs typically fail...
Rant warning: This blog post is a rant. If I read one more well-meaning (read naive) Mormon gay boy claim that because he has faith, he’s going to marry the right woman and make it work, I’M GOING TO SCREAM!
This morning I awoke to read a blog post by (Gay) Mormon Guy as I often do. His irrepressible faith, optimism and naivety, though sometimes misguided, are a refreshing way to start the day. He is definitely a sweet boy.
His post today, however, was not sweet. It was DANGEROUS. And because he has so many people that read his blog and actually believe what he says, I felt duty bound to respond.
(I tried to respond on (Gay) Mormon Guy’s blog in a courteous, objective manner citing data and research to show the inherent flaws of his position. Because he refused to publish my response, I felt obligated to respond with this post.)
(Gay) Mormon Boy emphasized that, because the Brethren have said in an official statement that “Persons who have (1) cleansed themselves of any transgression and (2) who have shown their ability to deal with these feelings or inclinations and put them in the background, and (3) feel a great attraction for a daughter of God and therefore desire to enter marriage and have children and enjoy the blessings of eternity — that’s a situation when marriage would be appropriate.
Let me respond to this assumption with a question that I don’t mean to sound disrespectful, despite the fact that it in fact sounds that way.
Just because the brethren SAY, that it is appropriate for a gay man to marry if he has repented, learned to manage his inclinations, and is attracted to a woman, does that make it so?
Just because Boyd Packer said homosexuality is a choice, does that make it so? Just because David O. McKay said homosexuality was a disease that could be cured, does that make it so? Just because Spencer Kimball said masturbation can lead to homosexuality, does that make it so?
Just because a general authority says something is true, does that make it true?
Now let me rephrase my first question.
Just because a worthy gay man desires to marry a member of the opposite sex for religious, social or personal reasons, does that mean it is appropriate for him to do so?
Regardless of what the Brethren say, based on both narrative and empirical evidence of the facts, the appropriate answer is, in fact, DEFINITELY NOT.
While (Gay) Mormon Guy says that there are many gay Latter-day Saints in MOMs that are succeeding and building wonderful lives and families, the truth is that in over 20 years serving in a variety of Church leadership positions and extensive work with LDS and non-LDS mental health professionals, I have NEVER learned of one MOM besides my own that lasted beyond the third decade.
Supporting my experience, research suggests that successful long term MOMs, even in the Mormon community, are few and far between. While some MOMs last into their second and third decades, 90% end within 10 years of marriage.
Would you fly in a particular type of airplane if you knew that 90% of its flights crashed over a 10 year period? I doubt it.
LDS MOMs nearly always begin with young people not too different in faith and outlook from that of (Gay) Mormon Boy. These young people have every intention of making their marriages work, of building their lives on a foundation of faith, service, and obedience, of living worthy of their covenants.
The problem is that as the years grind on and the stress and burden of life wear heavy, that initial faith and optimism usually fade. They are all too often replaced by anger and resentment on the part of both members of the marriage because neither spouse is able to feel whole and fulfilled in the marriage relationship.
Because of this anger and resentment, these gay men who entered marriage with every intention of being faithful and devoted to their families and the Church, instead cruise gay bars and surf gay hook-up sites on the Internet to satisfy their loneliness and sense of worthlessness.
Research says that while nearly all LDS MOMs begin on a foundation of faith and optimism, these relationships more typically end with betrayal, heartache, disease, and regret.
When the cards are stacked so heavily against mixed orientation marriages, should a gay Latter-day Saint marry a straight woman?
No, they should not.
I believe that instead of encouraging what is an unnatural and ultimately painful union of a gay man with a straight women, the Brethren should be condemning MOMs for the evil and sorrow that seems to inevitably result from their creation.
The bottom line today is that sweet, but naïve people like (Gay) Mormon Guy should not be allowed to espouse blatant misrepresentation of truth without being directly and incessantly challenged for what they write and say.