Mormon bridge builders are building a bridge to nowhere...

Today I’d like to write about those Mormons who want to “build bridges” to the gay and Lesbian community, whatever that means.

I know that there are some active members of the Mormon Church who sincerely desire to make a place at the table for LDS homosexuals. I love them and salute them for their courage.

But let’s be frank. Most of those who are anxious to “build bridges” to the gay world are interested in making room for LGBT people only on their terms without any real intention of recognizing them as honest partners in the family of Christ.

To the vast majority it’s quaintly acceptable to show “understanding and empathy” for the “terrible pain and suffering,” gays must endure. For these people it’s also tolerable to sit next to “a person with same-sex attraction” in Church or maybe even allow “one of them” to lead the music in Sacrament Meeting.

The irony is that these same people will decry the "gay lifestyle" and be “damned” before they even consider allowing “homos” to be legally married or (choke, gasp, sputter) adopt children.

Let me begin with my bottom line: I really don’t understand what building bridges is all about. (When I think of “building bridges” I think of Alaska’s “bridge to nowhere,” a boondoggle that would have cost taxpayers $398 million had it been built… a lot of capital without much return—not a wise business decision.)

To me “building bridges” is an entirely wrong metaphor and as a result, is a journey to nowhere. It implies compromise based on some degree of understanding. It implies settling for something less. It implies limiting my ambitions and desires to a level that is acceptable to someone else, but not to me.

I don’t want compromise and I will not settle for less than the whole. I will never understand or accept bigotry and condescension even in the smallest degree. As a result, I refuse to accept what most of these “bridge builders” have to offer.

From my perspective supporting gay rights in or out of the Church is a black or white issue. Either I am going to be respected and treated with dignity as a gay man or I am not.

As Christ so appropriately taught, “Whoever is not with me is against me... (Matthew 12:30).” (For those atheistic socialists out there, Vladimir Lenin said it even better, “…each man must choose between joining our side or the other side. Any attempt to avoid taking sides in this issue must end in fiasco.")

No, I’m not interested in building bridges any more than I’m interested in settling for less than I deserve. I deserve to enjoy life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness just like everyone else. When bridge builders are willing to acknowledge that, then we can talk.

How can you keep faith in a religion that has perpetrated so much prejudice and evil in the world?

I am a Christian.

Like the early fathers of the church, I, too, “...believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ, the only Son of God, eternally begotten of the Father....” (from the Nicene Creed). I take tremendous comfort and even find joy in this belief. It is part of my core and an inseparable component of my being.

Despite being a Christian, I struggle to apply Christian principles and values as I face the challenges of life. I readily acknowledge that because of my own humanity, I fall far short of Christ’s admonition and example.

My shortcomings, however, have no bearing on the truth of what I believe, only on my debt to him in whom I rest my belief.

Last month I had dinner with my brother and his family. My brother left the Church some twenty years ago and at the same time left his Christian conviction and faith in God. His children, as many generally do, followed their father.

As we sat enjoying the meal, one of my nephews was surprised to learn that despite having come out, I still maintained a firm commitment to Christ, if a somewhat unorthodox one. “How can you keep faith in a doctrine,” he asked, “that has perpetrated such prejudice and evil on the earth, especially one that has such visceral hatred of homosexuals?”

I was surprised by his question, but even more taken back by the tenor and tone in which the question was asked. It was obvious that he viewed Mormonism specifically and Christianity in general as a plague that undermines civil society and is a singular cause of injustice and misery.

His question and attitude saddened me. It was easy to see that he was entirely unaware of the contributions Christianity has made to make our country the beacon to the world that it is. From support for the poor to women’s suffrage to health care to worker’s rights to ending racial discrimination, Christian people because of their faith have been at the forefront of the fight to secure justice and equal protection under the law.

My nephew and many in his generation only see Christianity and especially Mormonism as a mechanism of control, coercion and oppression. When they think of Christians at all, they think of autocrats, pedophiles, homophobes, and scam artists.

The truth of the matter is that the Church, because it is led by men, is inherently flawed just as man is flawed. The teachings of Christ are often twisted and perverted. As the Lord told the Prophet Joseph Smith, “…it is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority…they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion” (D&C 121:39).

What many fail to appreciate is that the quality of a particular Christian believer is in no way a measure of the truthfulness of the Christian message. We all fall short and always will.

The beauty of Mormonism in particular and Christianity in general is the belief that despite our flaws, we are children of God. We can be better and do better and that through love and sacrifice, we have made and will continue to make the world better as well. This belief despite differences in dogma or doctrine is the power that makes Christianity a singular force for good in our country and the world.

I love you and accept you, but…you must live your life alone, without love, companionship and intimacy.

In a previous post, I shared my belief that all too many members of the LDS Church claim to love their LGBT brothers and sisters, but often attach "but..." to that love. This conditional acceptance, while perhaps justified in the eyes of the orthodox, has consequences that are generally hurtful to gay members of the Mormon community and sometimes tragic. This series of posts deals with several of the most commonly used “but…” statements and the cost of those statements.

Now I would like to tackle a final "but..." statement. This is the statement that in my mind propagates more loneliness, isolation and depression than any of the others I've discussed. It is the isolation statement...

"I love you and accept you, but…you must live your life alone, without love, companionship and intimacy, something that is central to God’s plan for the rest of us."

Some time ago I received an email from Andy, a BYU student struggling to reconcile his faith and his nature.

Andy recounted a recent visit he had had with his elder's quorum president, his desire and commitment to do the right thing, and his overwhelming sense of isolation and loneliness. Specifically, Andy told the EQP that he had confidence there were other gay men in the ward; he just wished he knew who they were so he could meet them, talk to them and perhaps enjoy their support.

The elder's quorum president responded that it was good for Andy to avoid other gay people, that forging his way alone was the right thing to do, and that he admired Andy for his strength to resist.

My heart broke for Andy. Just like so many well-meaning, but misguided Church members, Andy's EQP believed the best way to help Andy and other gay members of his quorum was to isolate them, keep them away from one another, ensure that they had no contact. This in his mind controls the contagion, keeps it from spreading, and maintains the moral integrity of the Church.

The tragedy is that Andy and others like him continue to feel disconnected, lonely, and different. Despite tremendous effort and commitment, they fail to discover their divine nature and instead wrestle futilely with their "unnatural" and "deviant" desires. Eventually, they all too often slip into despair and depression, their despair becomes hopelessness and they begin to wonder if their lives are worth the struggle.

I couldn't help but respond to Andy's post. I wrote:

"My heart breaks for you, Andy. I was once where you are and I know all too well the ache that grieves you. It does get better.

"I have come to realized that as a gay man I'm not broken. I'm not suffering from an illness like drug addiction or depression. My nature is not deviant nor are my desires unnatural.

"I am a child of God who is made in HIS image. He loves me because of who I am, not despite what I am. I am good and whole and at peace.

"Because God loves me, he has prepared a place for me where I might rise to my potential and ultimately find joy--both in this world and the next.

"And he doesn't mean for me to be alone. He doesn't intend for me to travel this world by myself, without a helpmeet.

"Elohim said,"It is not good for man to be alone." His prophet said that we are that we might have joy. As you only too clearly know, there is no joy in loneliness.

"It's a tragedy that so many straight people prefer us to remain alone--isolated from those who are like us, those who can best help us find our way.

"Whether it’s a partner or a friend, we need companionship to ultimately find peace in our lives. I'd encourage you to do just that--find companionship with good men who are like you and me.

"God bless you, my friend, on your journey.”

There are too many Andy's in the world struggling to find their way. They all need someone to take their hand and direct their footsteps. They need a friend, a guide, a support.

At the same time, there are too many people promoting and encouraging isolation. This is not good. This is not God's way.

The fact is, we were not made to live our lives alone. Despite what well meaning people might say, Heavenly Father is clear that it is a solitary and lonely life without companionship that is actually "deviant" and "unnatural."

Adapted from the keynote address given by Allen Miller at the 2012 Salt Lake City Circling the Wagons Conference.

I love you and accept you, but…stay away from my children.

In a previous post, I shared my belief that all too many members of the LDS Church claim to love their LGBT brothers and sisters, but often attach "but..." to that love. This conditional acceptance, while perhaps justified in the eyes of the orthodox, has consequences that are generally hurtful to gay members of the Mormon community and sometimes tragic. This series of posts deals with several of the most commonly used “but…” statements and the cost of those statements.

Earlier this year I met a man who had served as scoutmaster in his ward for most of his adult life. Like most scoutmasters, this man had a special way with boys that made them think bigger, serve better, and accomplish more. He loved his role in their lives and they loved his patience, confidence and example. He was proud of the fact that almost every member of his troop had eventually received the rank of Eagle and most had served missions and gone on to live productive, exemplary lives.

As this acquaintance moved into middle age, the burden of living a closeted life became overwhelming. He approached his bishop confidentially and told him of his attraction to men. He advised the bishop that he had never acted on these inclinations, but they remained with him just the same.

Several weeks after meeting with his bishop, my friend was released from his calling as scoutmaster “for the sake of the boys.”

Despite kind words and good intentions, a “but” statement still exists with regard to homosexuals and children and youth. There is an institutionalized belief in the myth that homosexuals are pedophiles and perverts intent on molesting young people or converting teenagers.

If this were not so, why would the 2010 Handbook of Instruction (Vol. 1) require members' records to be annotated for "homosexual activities", as well as pedophilia and incest or serious abuse of a child?

To put homosexuality on the same footing as incest or serious child abuse speaks volumes about the Church's real feelings toward its homosexual members, regardless of its pleas for compassion and its slick new websites.

Adapted from the keynote address given by Allen Miller at the 2012 Salt Lake City Circling the Wagons Conference.

I love you and accept you, but…you have to acknowledge that you’re broken and as a result, live your life the way I feel is best.

In a previous post, I shared my belief that all too many members of the LDS Church claim to love their LGBT brothers and sisters, but often attach "but..." to that love. This conditional acceptance, while perhaps justified in the eyes of the orthodox, has consequences that are generally hurtful to gay members of the Mormon community and sometimes tragic. This series of posts deals with several of the most commonly used “but…” statements and the cost of those statements.

Some time ago, I was asked to respond to a post by a well know Mormon blogger, Misty. Among other things, Misty felt tremendous sorrow and compassion for those who "suffered" from same sex attraction. Her "mother-heart" broke for the terrible burden we gay people have to bear. At the same time, she insisted that for our own good and for that of society, we should be required to comply with her orthodox view, the true laws of God.

Misty is not unlike many well meaning members of the LDS church who view homosexuals as just another group of suffering sick people in need of empathy and concern. That empathy and concern, however, only goes so far…only so far as our beliefs and behaviors comply with her traditional spiritual view.

Let me share with you my response to Misty and to others like her:

"Misty, I am truly glad that you have gay friends. I’m sure they have helped to open your eyes somewhat to our lives and challenges. It is obvious, however, that you have never ridden the emotional and spiritual roller-coaster that comes with having a homosexual person central in your life. And so I would like to offer another view and opinion.

"As a gay man, I honestly do not want compassion or special treatment. I do not want to be an object of pity. I love who I am and count my homosexuality a gift from Heavenly Father. I, like most gay Latter-day Saints whether active or not, recognize that I am a noun, not an adjective.

"And I am a man. Regardless of what some might teach, homosexuality is not an issue of gender identity. Neither I nor most of my gay male friends have the desire or interest in being anything but men.

"As men, we are entitled to be treated fairly and equally.

"You imply that you have the right to believe that homosexuality is aberrant and only heterosexuality is ordained of God.

"I, along with most of my gay and Lesbian brothers and sisters, agree. You have that right.

"But I, like you, also have the right to believe and I believe that God generously grants his grace to homosexuals and heterosexuals alike. And because of God’s grace and my divine nature, I have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, just like you.

"While I would never attempt to deprive you the rights to happiness despite our differing views and perspectives, you demand that I accept your belief as definitive. You force me under law to comply with a belief I find repugnant and contrary to moral and empirical evidence.

"Yet I do not ask you to give up your belief. I only demand that I be allowed the same respect and privilege.”

Adapted from the keynote address given by Allen Miller at the 2012 Salt Lake City Circling the Wagons Conference.

I love and accept you, but…I don’t accept your homosexual lifestyle

In a previous post, I stated my belief that all too many members of the LDS Church claim to love their LGBT brothers and sisters, but often attach "but..." to that love. This conditional acceptance, while perhaps justified in the eyes of the orthodox, has consequences that are generally hurtful to gay members of the Mormon community and sometimes tragic.

One of the most common "but..." statements is the nasty stand-by, "I love and accept you, but…I don’t accept your homosexual lifestyle."

Several years ago, a friend and I were riding public transportation to a restaurant in the western part of the Salt Lake Valley. At one of the stops, a group of teenage boys, obviously homeless, boarded the bus. As is our custom, my friend and I began a conversation with the boys—a conversation that ultimately would break our hearts.

These boys came from various parts of Salt Lake County. Each had been raised in "good" LDS homes, attending primary and Young Men’s, priesthood and seminary. One boy’s father was a stake president and another boy’s dad had been a bishop.

Why were these boys on the streets? Tragically, each had been driven from his home by parents who refused to accept that he was born with certain perspectives and desires which the parents viewed as deviant. Rather than try to understand, support, and accept these young men for the sons of God that they are, their fathers and mothers demanded conformity as a pre-requisite for granting parental love.

As a result, the boys were lost to their parents and lost to God, rejecting all that would make their lives rich, safe and joyful. Instead, these young men were lonely, angry and afraid.

What had each parent told these boys before sending them to the streets? Everyone of those homeless boys had been given some variant of this "but..." statement. "I love you, but if you remain at home you'll be a bad influence on your brothers," or "I love you and want you to stay, but you can't keep thinking you have same sex attraction," or "I love you and feel your pain, but you better not bring your gay friends into our home." Everyone of these parents bought into the idea that, "I love and accept you, but…I don’t accept your 'homosexual lifestyle'."

The underlying issue is that these parents do not or cannot accept the fact that their sons are homosexual males, no more afflicted than any of their heterosexual children. They believe that in the end, their SSA-behaving sons have a choice. What this choice actually boils down to is that they can either live lives of deceit and pretend to be straight or they must live lives of integrity outside the family circle.

The irony is that the families of these boys had all been sealed in a temple of God, united forever.

What these parents failed to remember is that "what God has joined together, let no man put asunder."

I love gay people,...but....

While Heavenly Father loves you and me without reservation, many members of our Mormon community are not so open or so tolerant. While they might say they love us and accept us, they often end their expressions of love with a three letter word that is every bit as foul as any of the four letter words that I try sometimes unsuccessfully to avoid. That three letter word is the word “but”. The typical phrase is, “I love and accept you, but…”

How many times have you heard some well meaning Mormon say something like "I love gay people, BUT I will NEVER condoned their actions." Or, "I've always made it very clear to my Lesbian friends that I love them, BUT I don't support their lifestyle."

When I was young, I learned something that has stayed with me my entire life...a little insight into English grammar. I learned that when we use "but" in a sentence, we in fact generally negate most of what we have said before the "but".

When we say "I love LGBT people" and then say "but", we are in fact saying that we really don't love "LGBT people" unless it's on our terms. The question I’d like to ask those of you who use “but” statements, do you really love LGBT people?

It's interesting that in all the words of Christ, he never made a statement that was followed by "but". He never said, "Love thy neighbor, but..." He simply said "Love thy neighbor." He never said, “Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden, but…” He just said, “Come unto me all ye…and I will give you rest.”

The problem with many today is that they insist that relationships and approval are granted on their terms with a HUGE "but" conspicuously hanging in the middle. This seems especially true when dealing with LGBT issues.

I don't think Christ or His Father would be too pleased.

The problem with “but” statements is that any reasonable person recognizes the patina of hypocrisy that drips from the statement.

What’s even more important to understand is that using “but” statements creates situations with consequences. Generally, these consequences impact people and lives, often in terrible or heartbreaking ways.

Over the next several posts, I will share a few of the most common "but" statements and the consequences that often transpire.

Adapted from the keynote address given by Allen Miller at the 2012 Salt Lake City Circling the Wagons Conference.

I cannot come out of the closet. I am afraid...

Not a week goes by without me having an opportunity to meet at least one married man who is struggling with the process of coming out. All too often these men are overwhelmed with fear, fear of the impact a public acknowledgment of their homosexuality would have on their reputations, their families, their careers, their community standing, their businesses, and nearly every aspect of their lives.

As time passes this fear often becomes a palpable, tangible thing that seems to permeate and taint even the most mundane aspects of their lives. Sometimes it becomes so debilitating that life itself loses meaning and suicide emerges as an enticing and viable alternative to the fear and self-loathing that overwhelms them.

My heart goes out to these men. I remember the fear that gripped me when I knew that living a life of deception was no longer an option. I remember clearly the terror I felt when I considered the potential impact my decision would have on my family, my friends, reputation, position,and business.

But now, three years later, I have a different perspective. I see that most of my fears were unfounded, and that whatever price I had to pay (and there was a price) was offset many times over by the joy I have found in the result.

It is easy for us as closeted gay men to succumb to our fears and live lives of misery and shame. Too many of us remain in the closet for just that reason. Actually, the costs of a closeted life to ourselves and our families are incalculable. As John Greenleaf Whittier wrote, "“For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, 'It might have been'.”

Rather than remain immersed in fear and despair, I believe we must face forward with courage and take control of our destinies, of what we are and who we will ultimately be. I've found that in nearly every situation in my life in which I have let fear govern my behavior, I have regretted it, particularly the fear of coming out. On the other hand, when I have left fear behind and stepped off the precipice with faith that somehow I would learn to fly, I have found my wings.

I believe that as gay men, "God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." (2 Timothy 1:7). My own experience is that "I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears" (Psalm 34:4).

Bottom line, brethren, we can choose to live our lives paralyzed by fear and deception or we can live our lives in truth and liberty. As Christ said to all of us, "...the truth shall make you free."

For those of you who fear, I would encourage you at your own speed to step into the light and leave the darkness of doubt behind you. Despite the cost, I promise you will find joy as a result.

God means for us to soar...

When I was a boy, my grandparents lived a short distance from a rancher who kept a hawk in a coup next to his chickens. He had found the bird as a chick while wandering the Wyoming back-country. Rather than leave it to die in the brush he took the raptor home and built a coup in which he kept it as a pet.

For the entirety of its life the hawk was confined by the boundaries of the coup and only experienced the company of the chickens in the adjoining cage. As time passed and the bird grew, it failed to grasp that it was a hawk. It had no interest in flight and pecked for its food in a way that was not too different from its neighbors. It had never experienced the joy of flight, let alone the opportunity to soar among the clouds and feel the overwhelming thrill of freedom. I’m sure it felt the urge to ascend to the heavens and dive to the earth. Instead of acting on these urges, the hawk accepted a passable existence within the walls of the coup, unable to fill the measure of its creation.

Today, this would never happen. You and I easily recognize the mistreatment inherent in such a situation. We understand that to force a bird of prey to live a life counter to its nature is not only cruel, but also immoral.

As a closeted gay man living in a mixed orientation marriage I often felt as though I were that hawk trapped in a coup of someone else’s making, never able to spread my wings to achieve the measure of my creation and ultimately find joy.

Mine is the typical Mormon story of the 1970’s and 80’s. While I knew I was different from other boys before I started school and realized what that difference meant as I entered puberty, I believed with all my heart that if I lived righteously, keeping the commandments diligently, with fervent faith, I would eventually be blessed with a miracle and be healed of what I had been taught were "degenerate and perverted" desires.

But the miracle never came.

After serving faithfully as a missionary, marrying virtuously in the temple and fathering five children one after another, I realized that I was what I was, a gay man struggling in what at times felt like an overwhelming situation, one that despite a wonderful and supportive wife left me feeling lonely and impure.

I could go into detail about my life as a closeted Mormon man, but my experiences are not that different from those of my brethren. Fortunately, I was able to stay faithful to my wife and children despite the loneliness and isolation that resulted. This reduced somewhat the heavy burden of guilt that so many of us tend to carry and provided at least a sense of fidelity that I otherwise found difficult to feel.

I must admit that at times, the isolation, the anger, and the self–loathing were overwhelming and the only thing what kept me from taking my life was simple fear.

It wasn’t until I came to the realization some years ago, that I was not broken, that I was inherently good, and that God loved me for who I was, not despite that fact, that I started to understand the powerful declaration of Father Lehi, "men are that they might have joy."

I can still remember praying after a particularly difficult period and feeling an overwhelming sense of calm, of comfort, of peace. I finally knew with every fiber of my being that I was acceptable to God, not because I was keeping the commandments while cloaked in the guise of a straight man, but because I was a gay man striving to find Christ and feel comfort and support in what I knew were his outstretched arms.

It was that experience that eventually gave me the strength and courage to finally be honest about who and what I am, to open the door of congruency and be the person God created me to be. It enabled me to finally find peace and feel the fullness of joy Heavenly Father envisions for each of his sons and daughters.

I want to bear witness that I know that God loves me and accepts me as his son; that he created me, a gay man, and loves me for that reason.

Adapted from the keynote address given by Allen Miller at the 

2012 Salt Lake City Circling the Wagons Conference.

The Mormon myth: repent and you won't be gay!

A woman just discovered her husband had been viewing gay pornography (see post here).

In response to her request for advice, Jared91 left the following comment: "I just did a search of this post and comments. I noted the word 'repent' doesn't appear."

 In response to Jared's post, I left the following:

Jared, it is your calloused and insensitive call to repentance that ultimately drives gay people and their families from the Church. As a former bishop and gay man, I can assure you that Sarah’s husband has spent his life trying to repent of feelings he can’t control and behaviors he has adopted to try and mitigate those feelings. To date repentance as you allude to has only left him feeling broken and rejected. As a result, lectures on the power of the atonement and repentance come across as self-righteous and downright ignorant. They don’t help Sarah’s husband deal with the process of understanding or managing what is actually an integral yet darkly secret part of who he is.

 Most of us gay men readily recognize that we are different from our earliest years. We finally put a name to this difference when we reach puberty or early manhood. As Latter-day Saints, we have been taught that these feelings are perverse and unholy. As a result, the feelings are denied or repressed and we become angry and overwhelmed with a sense of guilt and unworthiness.

It isn't until we recognize that homosexual feelings are acceptable and good, that God created us as we are, and that he loves us not despite of who we are, but because of who we are, that real peace and self-acceptance begin to emerge.

The great myth that people like Jared propagate is that homosexuality is only about “carnal, sensual and devilish natures.” This myth destroys lives and drives people from God. The reality is that homosexuality is no more evil than heterosexuality and is no more unnatural.

If Sarah’s husband has anything to repent of, it is that he has failed to be honest with himself and has to this point forced himself to live a life that has left him increasingly unhappy.

Men are that they might have joy. When the Lord spoke those words through his prophet, he didn’t restrict joy to just straight people. He wants his gay sons and daughters to experience joy as well.

As Sarah’s husband faces the truth and has the courage to accept that truth, he will begin to heal, regardless of what path he eventually decides to take. The fact is, I have never met a man who once came out of the closet, wished he could go back in. Men who are out feel a sense of integrity and congruency that they miss and yearn for during their closeted lives.

When Sarah’s husband feels free to be who he truly is, he will finally feel the joy of Christ. As the Lord himself taught, it is truth that will ultimately make him free.

Please support the upcoming Salt Lake City Circling the Wagons Conference

There has been discussion over the last two days about our invitations to Josh Weed and Steve Frei to speak at the upcoming Circling the Wagons Conference. Initially, like many of you, I vociferously opposed having either man speak. I, in fact, said to other members of the organizing committee that I would not appear on the same stage with Josh or Steve.

As I pondered this,  my opinion changed.

And why did it change? I believe that by inviting Josh and Steve to the conference, we will attract participants who might not otherwise attend, those orthodox Mormons who have only heard the North Star/Josh Weed version of homosexuality.

As a result of Josh and Steve's attendance, I believe this conference has the potential to become a tremendous teaching opportunity for those of us who want True Blue Mormons to learn that there is another way.

The great thing about having Josh and Steve speak at the conference is that their views are known and so will have little power to persuade. More importantly, those views for once will not go unanswered. Those who are ignorant or ill-informed will be taught of another, more Christ-like approach to this issue. In Mormon jargon, we will be able to bear powerful testimony that Heavenly Father loves his LGBT children because we are gay, not despite the fact that we are gay. Orthodox Mormons will inevitably feel the Spirit of our message and be changed.

The bottom line for me--I'll do what I must to get those who would otherwise not attend to come to this conference. If that means inviting Josh Weed or Steve Frei, so be it.

I ask you Family members and allies, please, please reconsider your anger and frustration as I have. Please have confidence that we have done the right thing by inviting Josh and Steve. I can assure you that neither man will have the final word on the issue of homosexuality, mixed orientation marriage and the Church. Please support the conference so we together can reach out to those who might otherwise not attend and who will be changed because they did.

We must be united and if we're united we will not fail. I believe in my heart of hearts that Heavenly Father is placing a tremendous blessing at our feet. Let's all--together--take advantage of this opportunity and change hearts and minds.

http://circlingthewagons.org/register.php

The gay-pedophile connection and the Church

With the final sentencing of Jerry Sandusky, the former Penn State football coach and convicted pedophile, a terrible chapter in American sports comes to a close. While the damage Sandusky wreaked on the lives of innocents is immeasurable, America’s gay community has also suffered at his hands. (See Jerry Sandusky Cover-Up: How the 'Gay Factor' May Have Played a Role.)

Jerry Sandusky’s despicable behavior has again reinforced the ugly myth that gay men are pedophiles, a myth that particularly impacts those of us who are gay and Mormon.

To "protect" the membership of the church, the 2010 Handbook of Instruction (Vol. 1) requires members' records to be annotated for "repeated homosexual activities", as well as pedophilia, polygamy, and incest or serious abuse of a child. This annotation can only be removed by the First Presidency after a recommendation to do so by the individual's stake president.

The effect is that an individual with an annotation will not generally be called to work with children or youth.

The implication is that individuals who engage in "repeated homosexual activities" are in fact believed by the Church to be predators (along with pedophiles and polygamists), who, because of their unholy compulsion, attempt to convert young people to a homosexual lifestyle or use children or young people to indulge their carnal desires.

This implication honestly sickens me.

The great fable that all too often impacts our relationship with members of the LDS community is this unspoken, but generally accepted belief that gay men can entice impressionable boys into homosexuality and that gay men are by nature pedophiles. This lie is so insidious that it even creeps into ally conversation and is given undeserved credence by individuals who should know better.

Let me say this clearly and unequivocally: There is no evidence that homosexual men are more inclined to pedophilia than the general population. (See this link.)

Dr. A. Nicholas Groth, a leading researcher in the field, wrote: "Are homosexual adults in general sexually attracted to children and are preadolescent children at greater risk of molestation from homosexual adults than from heterosexual adults? There is no reason to believe so. The research to date all points to there being no significant relationship between a homosexual lifestyle and child molestation."

Dr. Nathaniel McConaghy similarly cautioned against confusing homosexuality with pedophilia. He noted, "The man who offends against prepubertal or immediately postpubertal boys is typically not sexually interested in older men or in women."

As long as the Church perpetuates myths and stereotypes that fail to reflect the truth about our community, members of the Church will continue to fear us and treat us as outcasts. 

It's time for the Church to wake up to the implications of its policies and make changes where changes are required.

Circling the Wagons: Seeking Authenticity and Understanding

It's once again Circling the Wagons Conference time...another opportunity to congregate with fellow LGBT Mormons and our allies to encourage dialogue and understanding about what is probably the most misunderstood issue facing members of the Church...how we gay people fit within the greater Mormon community, if we fit at all.

The theme of this year's conference is "Seeking authenticity and understanding". I can't think of a better conference objective.

Several weeks ago, I was involved in a conversation with an active Latter-day Saint about homosexuality. After five frustrating minutes it became clear that real dialogue was not going to take place. Why? Because she insisted that if we were going to continue our discussion, I had to use "gay" only as an adjective, I had to recognize that the final authority on homosexuality is the scripture as interpreted by the Brethren, and that I had to admit that homosexuality was a life style rather than a matter of nature.

This good member of the Church was well-meaning, I'm sure, but she was open minded only to the extent that my feelings and beliefs fit nicely within her own preconceived paradigm. While she repeated her mantra of support and fellowship over and over as she declared her desire to "truly understand", what became clear was her intention to convince me to accept her version of truth and return to orthodoxy after my wayward travels in sin.

As we were about to go our separate ways, she condoled with me about "[my] terrible situation," then said as tears rolled down her cheek, "I empathize with the awful burden you carry and I pray every day that the Lord will lighten your load."

There was real shock on her face when I declared gently, yet emphatically, "While I'm grateful for your concern, I am really in no need of those prayers. I am the way God made me and as a result have never felt happier in my life." As I said those words, I was overcome with a sense of peace and confidence that originates only with the Spirit.

That experience reinforced my knowledge that the Lord understands and accepts.

I was sitting with a group of friends last night, all of whom were connected with Mormonism in one way or another. We had come out about the same time. We had all been married. Despite the fact that we were each facing challenges or obstacles of one sort or another, we had never been happier.

Why? Because we are living lives of truth and integrity. We all could look in the mirror each morning and feel the joy that comes with knowing we are finally being true to ourselves and the world.

When I left the closet behind, I became authentic, real, in a way I never was when I lived in the false world my family, the Church and I had created to sustain a lie.

What this well-meaning woman fails to grasp, let alone understand, is that my "awful burden" disappeared when I came out, that my "load" evaporated when I recognized I was whole, and that I felt God's arms surround me when I realized that I was loved by him because I am a gay man, not despite of that fact.

I now live an authentic life. I am truly happy. At its most basic, I understand that being gay is not a challenge, a trial or a burden, but a gift from God that brings me joy.

Members of the Church need to understand that the real burden of homosexuality is the one they place on us gay people, the stigma of being different. Once they as a people recognize that this difference is our strength and God's gift, that burden will finally disappear.

Please plan to attend the Circling the Wagons Conference, November 2-4, in Salt Lake City. My dear friend, Invictus Pilgrim, and I will be delivering the keynote addresses during Saturday's opening session. For more information and to register for the event, go to http://circlingthewagons.org.

The joy of (gay) dating...follow-up....

Maurice sent me the following reply to the email I sent him yesterday (see yesterday's blog post). I'm sharing because so many of you wanted to know the rest of the story....

Clive,

I really appreciate your message and what you had to say, wise one! No wonder you were a Bishop! Your approach to finding a partner sounds logical to me.

Yes, let's do get together and get to know each other better! So far, I'm having a pretty busy weekend coming up and the following weekend I'm going to Bryce/Zions with some friends. Maybe an evening after work this coming week we could go for a walk and or a bite to eat? I will try to call you this weekend.

Maurice

The joy of (gay) dating...

Email from a guy I went out with last month:

Hi Clive. Hope you enjoyed the men's choir concert last Sunday! Sorry I really couldn't talk at the time I saw you. I was actually on a first date with a guy I met online. I don't think we will be dating more as he tends to like younger guys!

I've heard that you prefer to date younger guys too... I must be honest and admit this is one of the reasons I haven't gotten back to you. My preference is also for hairy guys and you just aren't all that hairy! For whatever reason, that is a big turn on for me!

I wasn't sure of what you were asking me as we were leaving the concert... was it whether I wanted to get together with you again? I'm sure that we would make good friends even if we don't make it as lovers... let me know what you think!

Maurice

My response:

Hey, Maurice, it was great seeing you on Saturday. I missed having a chance to chat. Thanks for the email and your candor.

I couldn't help but chuckle as I read it. Okay, I admit that I date younger guys and have become infatuated with a few, but when it comes to finding a partner...I usually date guys our age. That in fact is why I wanted to go out with you.

Remember, I've only been out of the closet for two years and admittedly find it hard to resist a hunk of young manflesh when it's presented (I think it's the gay adolescent in me). Although I might enjoy being with the young guy for a while, I inevitably come to my senses and realize he's not right for the long haul. These twenty-somethings are generally not permanent partner material.

My approach to finding a partner is a little different and maybe a bit more complicated. I figure I will ultimately marry someone who I've come to know and love first as a friend, and then as a bedmate.

This means I try to meet as many guys as I can and make as many friends as possible with the belief that eventually I'll fall in love not necessarily with the guy who is the hottest or sexiest or who has the hardest abs, but with the man with whom I'm most compatible. My hope is that he will fall in love with me, too, despite my physical shortcomings.

Let me illustrate with a story a buddy shared with me a week ago. He had been communicating with a guy for months on the internet. Last summer the guy came to visit for some weeks. When my friend first saw the guy in the airport his reaction was, "This guy is definitely not my type. What am I going to do with him for a day let alone weeks?" My friend persevered despite what he described as his initial lack of physical attraction. To make a long story a little shorter, by the time my friend's guest left 6 weeks later, they were both madly in love and anxious to make their relationship permanent.

As of yet, I haven't had a "love at first sight" experience and I doubt I ever will. Instead, I thrive on making friends with guys and believe that eventually one of them will be the person with whom I will share my life. I'm open-minded and confident that will happen. I'm also confident that this man with whom I connect will overlook my shortcomings and incompatibilities in exchange for a deeper appreciation of my heart and character—as I will his.

So, Maurice, am I asking you to be my lover? No. I am suggesting that we might become friends and then let the cards fall where they may. Let's go to a movie, a concert, a hike or something else sometime soon and begin to get to know one another better.

The prospect of becoming "just friends" is actually exciting.

Marriage equality and the Gospel

Since my earlier post, several people have asked about my position regarding "gay marriage." A few have expressed concern that I might be standing in opposition to the Brethren. Let me answer their questions directly.

Do I support marriage equality? Without question. Do I believe the Church will eventually accept marriage equality at some level? Without question. 

Candidly, the Church's position on marriage equality is evolving and will continue to evolve. (Note the posts from partnered or civilly married LGBT people who are active Church members, even holding callings in their wards.) 

Individuals who assume that the Gospel is a static doctrine and believe the current antipathy toward same sex unions is sealed in granite fail to understand the Gospel's core strength...continuing revelation. This allows belief and principle to evolve to meet the demands of an ever changing society. Just as Joseph Smith would find the modern church unrecognizable, our progeny will worship and believe in a manner that best conveys central truths of the Restoration within the context of their time and culture. 

The Brethren have been clear regarding the status of The Proclamation on the Family. It is not scripture. President Packer's assertion that it is was quickly repudiated publicly by President Uchdorf and President Packer's conference talk revised to reflect that fact. 

Moreover, the Restoration provides for an afterlife devoid of hell for all but those who commit blasphemy against the Holy Ghost and an assurance of joy for all of God's children. That assurance includes even his homosexual sons and daughters. 

When I was a missionary, President Hinckley, then a member of The Twelve, taught a small group of us that our ability to receive truth through revelation is filtered by our culture, our experience and our prejudice. When asked if that included all people even the Brethren, his response was, "Elder, you understand the principle."

Gay people have been feared and vilified in our culture for centuries. I find it hard to believe that this general lack of understanding has not impeded the Church's search for truth on this issue. As our lives and experience are better understood and accepted for what it is, truth regarding homosexuality will flow to the Brethren and to the Church, unrestrained, and we will see change.


This is my 100th post.  I can't believe it! I love and appreciate all of you, my readers. Thanks especially to those who are willing to take the time to provide encouragement and feedback. It's you that keep me writing.

I am entitled to fairness and equality

An interesting post from Misty may be found here:

Homosexuality and Compassionate Compromise

My response:

Thank you, Misty, for addressing the issue of homosexuality. It takes courage to venture into a topic that most people prefer to ignore. It is my belief that discussion and the light that proceeds from it will one day eradicate the stigma and bigotry endured by gay and Lesbian people, especially in the LDS Church.

I am truly glad that you have gay friends. I’m sure they have helped to open your eyes somewhat to our lives and challenges. It is obvious, however, that you have never ridden the emotional and spiritual roller-coaster that comes with having a homosexual person central in your life. And so I would like to offer another view and opinion.

While I wish I had the time and space to discuss your post in depth, there are two key points I would like to address.

First, as a gay man, I honestly do not want compassion or special treatment. I do not want to be an object of pity. I love who I am and count my homosexuality a gift from Heavenly Father. I, like most gay Latter-day Saints whether active or not, recognize that I am a noun, not an adjective.

And I am a man. Regardless of what some might teach, neither I nor most of my gay male friends have the desire or interest in being anything but men.

As men, we are entitled to be treated fairly and equally.

You imply that you have the right to believe that homosexuality is aberrant and only heterosexuality is ordained of God.

I, along with most of my gay and Lesbian brothers and sisters, agree. You have that right.

But I, like you, also have the right to believe and I believe that God generously grants his grace to homosexuals and heterosexuals alike. And because of God’s grace and my divine nature, I have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, just like you. 

While I would never attempt to deprive you the rights to happiness despite our differing views and perspectives, you demand that I accept your belief as definitive. You force me under law to comply with a belief I find repugnant and contrary to moral and empirical evidence.

Yet I do not ask you to give up your belief. I only demand that I be allowed the same respect and privilege.

Second point, your comments regarding homosexual sex are misleading at best and utterly fail to deal with the core issues cited in the study. As a result, you do a great disservice to truth and understanding.

The truth is that homosexual sex is no more risky than heterosexual sex. Promiscuity, not sex, leads to disease.

If, as a homosexual man, I live in a committed monogamous relationship (like...marriage) my odds of contracting HIV, gonorrhea, syphilis, or any other STI are no greater than  yours...nearly zero. My life expectancy, when involved in a committed monogamous relationship is no different from that of heterosexual men.

The real problem is that the Latter-day Saint community forces gays and Lesbians to choose between celibacy, a state that every missionary teaches to be unnatural and unhealthy, a state that even the Endowment condemns ("It is not good for man to be alone.") and promiscuity.

How much more reasonable and effective to recognize and promote the core principle of chastity and fidelity rather than to leave homosexuals with the impossible choice of a life of loneliness and isolation or unnatural celibacy.

My greatest sadness is that when nearly all homosexual Latter-day Saints recognize and accept who they are, they reject not only the church, but religion in general. And why do they reject the church and God? It is not because of an uncontrolled sexual appetite. It is because the church’s truth forces them to believe what they know from experience is not true and gives them no alternative on which to nurture faith.

Again, I appreciate the opportunity to provide another view, an alternate opinion. I hope that with meditation and prayer you will come through the Spirit to grasp the real complexity of this issue and understand that the traditional member view of black and white neither furthers truth nor pleases God.

While my response above addressed two factual issues in Misty's post, there is a much larger issue that I need to tackle at some point. That issue involves the power for one party to rob another party of its civil rights and justify the act under the guise of religious freedom. While civility and compassion are good and noble ideals, there comes a time when tyranny must be confronted and exorcised from society.  At those times civility and compassion may be required to take a back seat to truth.

We must not surrender our agency

Recently a friend of mine received counsel from a bishop that he later found to be dead wrong. He wondered how it could be that a man called as God's representative could provide such mistaken advice. 

I suggested the following.

As a former bishop, I believe that the Lord has called bishops to provide administrative guidance to the ward, not direct revelation as to how specific ward members should lead their individual lives. We have all been given agency and the Light of Christ (if not the Gift of the Holy Ghost) to act for ourselves. Bishops while typically wise, are much less capable of knowing what the Lord wants of us than we are.  While the Lord may provide ecclesiastical leaders general direction and guidance on issues related to their stewardship, most of their direction comes from their own life experience and perspective, values and prejudice, not the Lord. 

I find it interesting that in a church and cultural community that places such a premium on self-reliance, members are so willing to relinquish their agency to another person, the home teacher, the bishop, the stake president, or even the president of the church. 

This is just not right.

The scriptures are clear on this issue. 

When providing direction on discovering the truth of the Book or Mormon, Moroni suggests that we ponder in our hearts and then ask God with real intent, having faith in Christ. Moroni states that God will "manifest the truth of it...by the power of the Holy Ghost."

Moroni then provides a universal key. He writes, "And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things." This is a clear and unequivocal statement that through the Holy Ghost the Lord will guide each of us individually to the truth of all things pertaining to our lives and personal stewardship. 

Note that Moroni does not suggest seeking guidance from others in this process of finding truth, not a home teacher, bishop, stake president, or even president of the church. According to Moroni, finding truth is a personal process between oneself and the Lord.

It is important to remember that agency is so central to the Lord's plan that he was willing to lose one third of his family over this singular principle. Would he be pleased that we readily surrender our agency to anyone, particularly a church leader? I think not. 

I believe it is incumbent on each of us to pray about issues that impact our lives and follow the inspiration we receive individually. In the end I believe we are going to be held accountable for following our own consciences rather than the opinions of others regardless of how well meaning those individuals might be. 

If, in the course of doing what we as God's children believe to be right, we fall short, the Lord's infinite and universal atonement will cover our error. 

Josh Weed and mixed orientation marriages

Since last evening, I've received a number of messages from people asking for my opinion about last night's Nightline interview of Josh and Lolly Weed. Here is my response to those requests: 

Candidly, I was greatly disappointed…and not because I didn't get air time... :-)

The problem with the interview is that at 10 years of marriage, I was Josh Weed. I know that many of you were also Josh Weed when you were young. Our wives were Lolly. Like Josh and Lolly, we were confident, idealistic, and devoted.

 But, the simple truth is that it becomes more difficult to sustain that confidence and commitment as time passes.

It's interesting that the two poster boys of MOMs, Josh Weed and Ty Mansfield, are both young and relatively inexperienced. Where are the men and women who have been in MOMs for 20, 30, or 40 years? Most of us are divorced and readily acknowledge that our devotion was misspent.

My former wife knew I was gay from nearly the beginning. We built what appeared to others to be the perfect Mormon marriage despite the fact that we were in an MOM. In the end, our marriage wasn't perfect and the pain and heartache we endured to maintain the charade was horrendous. WE DO NOT WANT THAT FOR ANYONE ELSE.

Since coming out I have met countless men who tell the same story, even more men who continue in sham marriages while engaging in promiscuity and deceit. I've met heartbroken faithful women who wonder, "Why me?"

This is the real story of mixed orientation marriages that should be told.

For every happy Josh and Lolly who are still at the beginning of their lives, there are hundreds of men and women who, burdened with pain, anguish, and loneliness, wish they would have done things differently.

I wish Josh and Lolly nothing but the best. At the same time, I recognize the sad truth that mixed orientation marriages are by their nature, fatally flawed, no place for a heterosexual Mormon woman or man...no place for my children.

Those of us who find this situation so reprehensible are not filled with antipathy or anger toward Josh and Lolly. It's just that at the other end of life, we've touched the stove and have been burned severely. As a result, we feel it our obligation to warn others not to touch the stove.

The big word "BUT"

How many times have you heard some well meaning Mormon say something like "I love gay men, BUT I will NEVER condoned their actions." Or, "I've always made it very clear to my gay friends that I love them, BUT I don't support they're lifestyle."

When I was young, I learned something that has stayed with me my entire life...a little insight into English grammar. I learned that when we use "but" in a sentence, we in fact negate everything we have said before the "but".

When we say "I love gay men" and then say "but", we are in fact saying that we really don't love "gay men" unless it's on our terms. 

It's interesting that in all the words of Christ, he never made a statement that was followed by "but". He never said, "Love thy neighbor, but..." He simply said "Love thy neighbor."

The problem with many today is that they insist that relationships and approval are granted on their terms with a HUGE "but" conspicuously hanging in the middle. This seems especially true when dealing with LGBT issues.

I don't think Christ or His Father would be too pleased.

He lifts me up in his perfect love...

On this beautiful Easter day, I feel compelled to thank God for a wonderful world and express my deepest love for him and his son, Jesus. While there is so much evil and contention in the world, there is a sense of peace available to all as well. That peace for me comes from the knowledge that Christ is my redeemer and is the savior of all mankind...even me.

How humbled I am that despite my sinful nature and rebellious ways, Christ loves me, accepts me, and without regard, is willing to lift me up in his perfect love.

President Packer says we're the enemy...

By now, you have probably heard President Packer’s January Seminary sermon in which he relegates those of us who are LGBT to the status of “enemy.”

If you missed it, the talk includes a renewed declaration of war against the LGBT community by a man who sees himself as the Church’s last bastion of heterosexual fidelity. In just six short sentences, President Packer puts us LGBT Saints in our place—outside the fold of God.

It made me sad…

"That damn rainbow flag...."

To set the stage, let me first say that I own a charming well maintained bungalow in the alphabet streets of Salt Lake City’s Sugar House district. The neighborhood is gentrified with 60-70 foot sycamores lining streets that could have come directly from a Frank Capra movie. The residents are a mix of the religious and irreligious, the young and the old, the wealthy and the middle class. This being Sugar House, there are a smattering of homes owned by members of the “Family.”

Russ, my roommate, has a 3X4 foot rainbow flag that he insists on hanging on our front porch. It’s not just on display for the Pride Festival; it is hanging for all to see day after day, week after week, month after month.

Coming out to a friend...and changing the world one small step at a time

A few weeks ago I came out to a client and friend. I hadn’t intended to. He is honestly a good man, but totally ensconced in the bowels of the Utah County culture of fear and homophobia. I assumed that if he knew about my “sexual peculiarities”, it would not serve me or his organization (which needs my consulting expertise) well.

During a business visit, we somehow started talking about a draconian sex-ed bill under consideration by the Utah state legislature. The bill would have restricted school districts to the choice of teaching abstinence only or forgoing sex education altogether. In the abstinence only classes, teachers would have been prohibited from discussing homosexuality under any guise, even in response to questions raised by students.

My friend obviously supported the bill. I, of course, didn’t.

As the discussion ground on, my friend couldn’t help but inform me that without the law, the radical gays would sweep into the classroom promoting sodomy, promiscuity and the greatest demon of them all, gay marriage. I listened politely as he droned, attempting vainly to maintain my tongue and my composure.

A personal story...meth...the real evil among us...

Our new roommate, a recent RM and BYU swim team member, a young man who is articulate, handsome, from a great family, seemingly a guy who has everything going for him, told me Monday he is addicted to methamphetamines.

He said he had a cigarette laced with meth a year and a half ago. It was during his first date after coming out. He was a student at the "Y".

His life has been hell since that single cigarette. He never sleeps. He never eats. He is emaciated physically and spiritually. He looks forward only to his next hit or to death. Either, he says, will give him the peace for which he craves.

I suggested that life is not so bleak. I encouraged him to go home, get help. I assured him that God's grace was sufficient for all, especially for him.

He cried and so did I.

After a week here, he moved out last night. While he vowed he was moving in with a friend, I can't help but believe he is on the streets, another casualty.

My heart breaks for this son of God.

His supplier stopped by this morning looking for him. My heart breaks for him, too.

Whitney Houston...my small tribute

Surprisingly, I'm usually not into celebrity. I figure the glam crowd is not that different from you and me and is typically undeserving of anything other than the same degree of appreciation I offer to anyone who makes my life a little better.  The passing of a movie star or pop singer barely registers on my radar.

Whitney Houston is different.

To me, the beauty of her voice was only superseded by the tragedy of her life. A modern Billie Holiday, Whitney Houston sang like an angel--make that archangel--but sadly found herself hopelessly tangled in the web of addiction. As a result of that addiction, we all lost something special.

While Whitney Houston will probably best be remembered for her heart stopping ballads, to me her greatest performance was at the 1991 Superbowl where she sang The Star Spangled Banner. I hope you enjoy that performance as much as I do.

Inclusion or exclusion...what's a gay guy to do?

Last Saturday night, I was enjoying myself at Jam with a group of friends. (Jam for you out-of-towners is perhaps Salt Lake City’s finest gay dance club. It’s definitely a cool venue.) By midnight the building was packed and a long line of fairies and fags was waiting to enter. (Fire regulations limit the number of people the club can admit at any given time.)

As I was leaving, I passed an acquaintance who was standing near the end of the line. He wanted to talk and so I stopped to chat and was somewhat taken aback by the content and tone of his comments.

“It’s ridiculous,” he complained, “that I have to stand in the cold to get into a gay club. And why do I have to stand in line? Because of all the straight people who think it’s cool to dance with gay guys. I ask you, Clive, can’t we have someplace that’s just for us?”

I know my friend was tired and a little uncomfortable. He was probably blowing off steam. But, he made me think.

Because we have been victims of exclusion for most of our lives, we fairy folk generally find inclusion a driving force. We have a difficult time fencing people out, setting boundaries.

On the other hand, is it unfair to ask, “Can’t we have someplace that’s just for us?”

Counsel from an Anglican bishop...

This evening I had the pleasure of meeting and chatting with a hero of mine, Bishop Gene Robinson, the first out gay man ordained a bishop in the Anglican (Episcopal) Community. Bishop Robinson was in town attending Sundance where a movie about his life has been screened. He was visiting a mutual friend in the Avenues and I was lucky enough to be invited to meet him.

Bishop Robinson is a wonderful man, down to earth, gregarious, and fascinating, yet gentle, kind, and Christ-like in demeanor. He spoke assuredly about the progress LGBT people have made and optimistically about our future—particularly our future as men of faith.

As we discussed the current attitude and perspective of the leaders of the LDS Church, Bishop Robinson was pleased to hear of my continued connection with the LDS Church and my assurance that in time the Church would come to accept gay and lesbian members in full fellowship. He then told me something that touched me and gave me pause.

He said, “I’m glad you are remaining with the Church, because it is from within that you can most ably be an influence for real progress. When people sever ties, either forcibly or voluntarily, their power to move our work forward diminishes. If you want change to occur, stay. Stay as long as you can, as difficult as it might be, but stay.”

To be honest, Bishop Robinson’s counsel gives me much to think about, much to pray about…

On the death of my friend's partner...

I have a friend who lost her partner last week.

She and her partner lived together, laughed together, worked together, ate together, drank together, celebrated together, sorrowed together, planned together, volunteered together, traveled together, served together, played together, and made love together.

Together they found joy.

But now my friend is alone. Grieving.

God said, "It is not good for man[kind] to be alone."

My bishop told me that if I want to remain a Saint in good standing, I must live alone, laugh alone, work alone, eat alone, drink alone, celebrate alone, sorrow alone, plan alone, volunteer alone, travel alone, serve alone, play alone. And at night I must remain alone....

God said, “Men are that they might have joy.”

Is it possible for men to find joy, alone? Perhaps...

But even God has a companion.

To blog or not to blog...that is the question

It’s been a long time since my last post…primarily because I thought that I’d really said all that I needed to say about being a gay Mormon man, that I felt I’d moved to a point in my life where I wanted to keep my private life private, that I in fact wanted to talk about things in my blog that I really didn’t want to talk about with just anybody….

For whatever reason... I lost interest….

Like so many of my closest friends who because of their intellect and talent enjoyed fifteen minutes of fame through their prolific and insightful posts, I woke up one day and decided that my blogging (which was much less intellectually based or insightful than that of my friends) wasn’t filling the personal need it once did.

I decided to move on…and so I thought I had moved on…for good.

But then today I woke at my mother’s house with a thousand things to say. I wanted to talk about faith, work, life, death, friendship,  loneliness, intimacy, peace, endorphins, children, former spouses, mothers, fathers, Mormons, Catholics and Episcopalians, roommates, politics, drugs and alcohol, gay marriage, gay culture and gay prejudice, MOMs, the closet, swimming, reading, the Internet, dating, my dog, sex, anger, peace, partying, aging, music, kindness, meanness, selfishness, selflessness, and most of all…love.

But, my friends, as you will all appreciate; desire does not always translate into results…

Perhaps I will re-engage. Maybe I’ll begin to again share. Maybe I’ll reach out and successfully find a way to grapple with my life’s truth and its new found form in a way that readers might find somewhat interesting, occasionally entertaining, and possibly helpful…

Or maybe I won’t…

Only time will tell.